The Tale of An Awkward Hugger….

So it pains me to admit this about myself. I have never been geeky or awkward or in over my head when it comes to social experiences. I like to consider myself to be closer to the James Bond than Steve Urkel. But there are indeed certain aspects of my life where I can come off as slightly…..awkward. Even to say this about myself gives me a weird chill, as I sip my Dos Equis, loosen my perfectly tied Bow Tie, unbutton my Tuxedo jacket and turn down my John Coltrane to a low shallow hum……. But as a gentleman who believes in challenging yourself to be better I want to admit to all of you that I have some things that bring out the most awkward moments of tension for me. Of course as I have said many times before, the idea of telling a woman that I do not like her creates more tension for me than meeting the Gooch in the parking lot after school. For a guy with a pretty slick mouth piece I suddenly turn into a tongue-tied Charles Barkley when faced with the thought. Then of course there is the totally uncool reaction that I have to seeing blood. I get slightly weak-kneed and even more light-headed when I see a lot of blood. Needless to say I am not looking forward to one day having to be in the delivery room with a wife. But the most common example of my awkwardness is the one that has been most recently been brought to my attention. And despite my best attempts to duck the accusations, the reality of the situation stares me right in my face. ****Deep Exhale***** My name is Jackson Bracey, and I am an awkward hugger.

I never really saw myself as being and awkward hugger until I had two women call me out about it in the span of a week. I literally didn’t understand how you could even be an awkward hugger until I stopped to think about what sorts of emotions or intentions we convey with our hugs. Clearly I do not hug the woman I am dating the same way that I hug my mother. I hug my mother with love and affection, but very little passion or intensity. As is to be expected in most non-incestuous dynamics. But when I am dating a woman seriously I hug her closely and tightly so that she not only can hear my affection through the words that I say but also feel my affection through the body contact that a warm embrace can bring. Trust me when I tell you that people a well placed hug can tell a woman Everything that she needs to know about how passionately you feel about her. But while I can cover the bases on hugs for a girlfriend or my mother, what do I do with all the women in between? The Friends, the Co-Workers, Elders at church, the lady who I randomly stop to change her tire, UNDERAGED GIRLS…..what do I do with these women? This is where the awkwardness comes in.

So there are a couple of things that I have learned about the awkwardness of my hugs. I have become very cognizant about what sort of message my hugs give off to women who I am just friend with. Since we know how intense an emotion can be conveyed when you hold someone close, you never want to hold a women TOO close. I try not to give off the sexy man vibes to women who I am friends with. But sometimes it can be so difficult to avoid. As illustrated in the above video, black women hug with a ferocious love and affection. And it can be seen as a diss if you don’t properly reciprocate. I can’t give a grandmother hug to a woman who is in my age group. And I have definitely been chastised on more than one occasion for giving a woman the hand pat on the back when I hug. Somehow this is received much differently than the all important circular back rub. But probably the most important key in giving the proper hug is the power of the embrace. Women like to be embraced forcefully but not to the degree that causes them to lose their breath. But understandably they mean mug you if you give the sort of light embrace that makes them think you are not welcoming of said hug. So ultimately for me I have tried to establish a few guidelines around my hugs to make me a bit less awkward but at the same time keep me from grinding a woman or feeling like she is grinding me.

Rule #1
If at all possible, initiate the hug from a side position that puts her under your arm first. This usually allows a woman to wrap both her arms around your mid section without any personal body parts rubbing up against each other.  Always effective!

Rule #2
When faced with a full frontal hug avoid any bodily contact below the rib cage. It is wildly inappropriate to rub pelvis’s together with women you are not involved with. It screams of the do me vibe and you have to be careful about giving that off to women in today’s climate when they suspect all me are trying to do them anyway.

Rule #3
Always place arms around the upper chest or shoulders. This is important. It allows people to be brought in closely to embrace without feeling we have to be right in front of each other. I have given a many hugs from across a church pew, table corner, or from a seated position because I was pulling them near from the upper half of their body. The alternative that you want to stay away from is grabbing people at the waist! Pulling someone close at the waist screams sexual advance. It forces private regions together. You see this all the time with young kids around the hormonal high school age. They LOVE to grab each other at the waist to make sure that their entire body is mashed against someone. And this is not necessarily a bad thing if you are hugging someone you have some serious interest in. Because we have all seen people who are getting it in and observed how they mash against each other when they hug. Full body press… Starting from the legs to the knees, slightly pausing as their mid sections meet. And because they are holding each other at the waist the get to stare into each others eyes right before she presses her breast against him and their faces meet! Sound dramatic I know. But just today I had a friend confirm for me that she does like to press her boobs against a man she is flirting with for a hug! And I certainly can’t knock her because guys are typically itching for that sort of cheap feel from women anyway.

**** As a side note I once was leaving a job to take another position and my team took me to lunch. So as is customary people say how much they appreciate you and give you a small cake and then you go back to work to finish out the rest of your last day. Well upon my departure my team lead was the last to say good bye and she, like the rest of the team, extended to give me a hug. But as I leaned over at the waist to embrace her at the shoulders….SHE GRABBED MY WAIST and totally thrust her waist next to mine! This old lady blatantly tried to accost me by grinding me in her office. And for a super awkward 2.7 seconds she sort of stared at me as she slowly leaned in with the rest of her body and squeezed me tight. My body got super tense and I gave her the short alligator arms pat on the back because at that point as she was forcing the action I tried to cool her heels by not totally reciprocating the intensity. So I walked out of there totally grossed out with a parting memory that has scarred me as an awkward hugger****

Now as I have explained my awkward hugging I think it necessary to sort of explain where the whole thing stems from. I was not unloved as a child or touched in the showers at camp or anything salacious that would explain my apprehension with hugs. But I was at one point in my life a high school English teacher. And that can be an environment where the wrong impression given through a hug can lead to accusations that could change a man’s life! We all remember high school and the excessive hugging that goes on every time you pass someone in the hall way. Well that can be extended to teachers as well. At least to Cool Ones! (totally describes me! the cool teacher) But being one of the younger teachers I understood early on that these hormonal young girls who are prone to crushing on a younger teacher are getting their cheap feels off by pressing their newly formed boobs on me! So I put a stop to that real quick! And it just made me more aware of what sort of messages are being sent with that type of physical contact.

So they say the first step of rehabilitation is admitting that you have a problem which I did in the opening paragraph. Then you have to seek out the root of your problem which I just explained with my former teaching experience. And now…in the final phase I must diligently work to correcting my behavior. So I guess that means that Jackson Bracey is accepting all hugs of a friendly to borderline sexual nature! Please be patient with me as I am a recovering Awkward Hugger.  Someone find this girl below and tell her I need some practice.

@jacksonbracey

Jackson.Bracey@gmail.com

Sick of Corny Pick-Up Lines? Why He Won’t Just Ask You Your Name…..

Ahhhhh yes….  The masterful art of the pick up line.  A very disciplined and challenging study for any man to master.  The various techniques.  The decorative approaches.  The array of angles and nuances that must be mastered.  But just like golf, the tradition of approaching women with crude, clever or even disgusting comments can never truly be mastered.  As the times evolve, a man’s mouth-piece to remain affective.  But where does this need to be clever and witty come from?  What is so hard about simply saying…….  Hi…..  My name is Jackson.  What’s Yours?

This has been a growing topic, at least amongst many of my Facebook friends.  And one that was started from a conversation that was sparked about whether or not it is offensive or inappropriate to tell a lady to Smile when you approach her on the street.  And two things for sure came from that conversation.  #1, women very eloquently explained why some do not like to be approached like that and  #2 the very obvious question of why men feel the need to use pick-up lines.  And the answer is really simple.  So simple that women already know the answer.  But before explaining it let’s talk about THE LIFE OF A BOY BECOMING A MAN IN THE CONTEXT OF HAVING WOMEN LIKE YOU.  Doesn’t that sound like a fascinating book title?

In general young boys seem to take an interest in girls a couple of years after the girls start to take an interest in boys.  And it is generally not until the approach of puberty that boys really start to take an interest in the opposite sex.  Prior to that boys are learning about girls in the context of how to treat them more than they are how to seduce them.  We are conditioned to be more gentle, more delicate and more considerate of young ladies than we are each other.  Understanding what the term Fairer Sex truly means.  And in that grooming, we learn that girls are pretty much just like us but softer with different interests.  And being silly little boys we just ignore you until we are forced to interact with you at places like school, church or some silly birthday party that our mother made us go to…..  But all in all as adolescents, there is no problem for us communicating.  If we like the same stuff, we talk to you about it like we talk to the other little boys.  With excitement, jubilant enthusiasm and without reservations.  But something shifts right around that puberty age that sets up a dynamic that changes the way men communicate with women.  Something that shapes how men develop their technique in approaching women moving forward.  For some men it is illuminating and enlightening and for other guys it is debilitating and crushing.  But one thing is for sure……. The First time a guy gets dissed, it has a lasting impression.

Every man alive knows what it is like to be shut down, stepped on and embarrassed by a woman who just cracks his face for all to see in broad daylight.  And after facing that trauma it is followed by the equally embarrassing walk of shame!  That head hung, directionless walk back to where you came from that has you feeling like everyone in the school cafeteria saw this girl just tell you that you were ugly.  Now despite the contrary words of so many woman I am pretty convinced that just about every woman has dissed the shit out of a guy at least once in her life.  And I say this because I have seen just about every woman I have grown up with either do it or laugh about doing it at a later moment.  Now I do not think that doing this sort of thing in most instances deems a woman as being a bad person or some Evil Bitch as I heard a kid call a girl who told him he was ugly.  Not at all do I think it makes her an awful person.  I think it makes her a human being.  Human in the sense that she is merely doing what makes her feel most comfortable.  Now no doubt there is a hint of defensiveness and immaturity in those sorts of behaviors but there is also a very valid component in there as well.  Most women are just looking to draw a clear line between what they are attracted to and what they are not.  They are making a distinction between IT and NOT IT.  And to do that they go to extremes.  And some of those extremes are super hurtful.  What makes you think I would ever have any interest in you?  Or how about when a girl holds up a mirror and says Look at me.  Now look at you!  Do you think we match at all?  I even once heard a woman say to a guy, You need to go over there with that ugly girl and talk to her because we the bad bitches over here!  Or of course my favorite……  The diss when the girl just looks you up and down and laughs!  That is the classic one.  As sweet as women can be in one moment, they can also be pretty ruthless in others.  And it is fair to say that this sort of behavior comes from different places and not just the notion that women are evil.  Some of it is immaturity for sure.  But another part of it is people’s desire to elevate themselves over others to support their own sense of esteem.  Very human sorts of things.  But no matter what the reason it clicks something in a mans mind that makes him reassess his approach.

Pick up lines are just as much a mans defense mechanism as it is a way to approach a woman.  It is an attempt to approach her without totally submitting yourself for her approval.  Submitting yourself to be either dissed or embraced.  Women like to think that men should just put up with this sort of dismissal as sort of our “manly duty”.   But the effect that harsh words have on a man is real.  And it puts a guy in a position where as a man, he will only take so much abuse before he gets antsy about dishing out some abuse in return.  So what do guys do?  How do they adjust?

Saying to a woman “Hi, my name is Marcus.  What’s your name?”  is a submissive sort of approach.  It leaves a woman in a position of approval or disapproval.  Which by the time a man is 22-23 he is pretty much sick of that game.  So as an adjustment, guys come at you differently.  First we stop telling you our name and we just stiffen our voices and ask you who you are.  That is a more strong approach.  One that can almost be bully like.  And with that, you always have the risk that a woman may believe that you are just as likely to try to rob or assault her as you are to ask her on a date.  So the progression advances even further.  Men start to approach women with compliments or clever words.  Something to catch her attention.  Some way to engage her without submitting yourself for her approval.  You see, telling a woman she has a nice pair of shoes is a compliment and not a request for her approval.  I can conceivably tell a woman something nice about herself without wanting to be in her company.  I am not asking for anything or putting my esteem on the line.  I am just being nice.  And if she rejects my nice compliments I can always lash out at her as being an ASSHOLE.   And that I was just being nice and not trying to talk to her.  Now……instead of me having my esteem killed, she just made herself look like a bitch!  This is the thinking of a man who is trying to protect his esteem.  And I purposely say esteem and not ego because after years of being dismissed on the approach, a lot of men deserve to have their esteem protected.  And not marginalized by framing it as just a simple case of EGO.

So when women hear guys say things like,  You look nice today pretty lady or encourage a woman to Smile when they see her, these things are done to merely gauge a woman’s interest without being played out.  It is a man’s way of testing to see if you are open to any further conversation.  A way to back door his way through a woman’s defenses without catching the barrage of bullets that women can sometimes shoot into a man’s face when he says…….  Hi.  My name is Marcus.  What’s your name?  Ultimately, we are all human beings just trying to protect ourselves.  And the more we can get an understanding of the others perspective it allows us all to communicate with each other in a way that allows us to see the humanity in each other…….  And not frame the things that we do not like in the worst possible context.

@jacksonbracey

Jackson.Bracey@gmail.com

 

 

 

It Is Definitely Your Right to be Rude…….But Don’t Expect Me To Like it

So when I have down time at work I try to skim through some of the hot topics that float around the internet as young bright minds expose wisdom, humor and down right ratchet happenings for the whole world to share in.  I like to say that Twitter is a place were people go to be insanely profound or profoundly ignorant in 140 characters.  But I like to skim through it because sometimes you find diamonds in the rough of people having really great dialogues and conversations.  Which is what I stumbled upon yesterday with a post by a Helena Andrews who wrote and awesome article titled, Dear Strange Men,Stop Telling Me to Smile.
Now immediately upon reading the title I spit up water all over my keyboard.  A little messy I admit, but I live for those moments when something moves me to laughter in such a way that I cannot control my instant reflex to burst out with an ebullient response.  Not a response that mocks the topic or title in any way but in the recollection of a conversation that I had with my friend Michelle about men telling her this exact same thing at her job.  And we always laugh about it because she goes into a whole lecture about how sometimes, she doesn’t feel like smiling!  Who walks around with a big ass smile on their face anyway?!  And sometimes I just don’t feel like talking?!  We laugh about it and I calmly respond to her that by saying, Damn Michelle!  How hard is it to just not look menacing?  No smile necessary.  But just don’t look like someone just stole your breakfast platter in the morning!  But that is just me encouraging her to not walk around with the mean-mug.  A friend of mine, Paul Brunson, does this thing on twitter where he promotes No Mean Mug Mondays.  And it is centered around just being more polite in your presentation with people and the energy that you give off in the world.  Because that energy surely comes back to you in one form or another.

Top 4 Things that men need to stop complaining about

Women put up with a lot of stuff from guys.  And not because guys are foul, crude and incorrigible creatures.  But more so because men and women have different values, feelings and thinking processes.  So no matter how much sense something makes to one of us, it just doesn’t click with the opposite sex.  And while there is always good that comes from healthy dialogue and the expression of someones feelings on the issue, there are just some things that you are not going to get people to do.  But the key is to make your point clear so that you are not putting up with the blatant dismissal of your concerns.

So with that said here is a list of 4 things that guys just have to learn to put up from with women.  And just hope that she does not get too carried away with  the blatant obtrusiveness of the habits.

Tired of being the short-time lover….Looking to be the Wifey

It can be very difficult for people to actually see themselves the way other people see them.  We build our esteem in part of the level of respect that we receive from people.  And knowing that we are respected to a high degree is important.  No one wants to be the person that is the butt of all the jokes and the perpetual whipping post to take the blame for everything.  We all want to envision ourselves that the superstar , life of the party that everyone wants to be around.  But that simply is not the case.  And more times than not people understand that about themselves.  We know our limitations and we know our strengths.  And as we grow we settle into certain positions……or we work incessantly to improve our status.  And in dating that is a very prevalent dynamic.  And one that hurts women more than it hurts men because often times we have very different goals.  And when women do not have a good sense of how men see them, they can be caught in a cycle of being “that girl”.  When they really want to be “the girl”.

Music To My Ears…..

I am unashamedly an Omarion appreciator.   Don’t laugh.  I have never been into B2K or anything but as a solo artist he has had some really tough songs that I have run through my care stereo on repeat for a couple of weeks at a time.  And this time is no different.  Omarion, who has made the full transition to “Maybach O”  as he joins Ricky_Rozay’s MMG, hit the nail on the head with this song as he captures a real sentiment that a lot of people embody at one time or another.  That numbing period where people would rather be dismissive of the people in their face as they pine away over lost loves. 

In addition Wale’ drops a decent verse to add a little edge to the production.  Wale is the anti-Drake in a lot of ways.  He talks pretty openly about emotions and feelings but he does it in a way that resonates a little bit more with guys because he does not give the impression that he is in a studio with a box full of tissues as he pours out his heart in a way that makes him appear more vulnerable than what is typical for most men. 

Hope you like it! Sorry I couldn’t find a clean version.

@jacksonbracey

Jackson.Bracey@gmail.com

A Love Triangle Gone bad or Just a Case of To Much Bravoda?

A bunch of kids with entirely too much money.  And the news seems to be infatuated with it.  None of us are immune to trashy gossip and tabloid stories.  And as much as I hate the depictions, the negativity and the overall mass infatuation with people who care nothing about all these consumers, even I found myself reading stories about some fight between Chris Brown and Drake.  And then all of this mass speculation that tied the young starlet Rihanna to the very crux of the dispute.  And the more it played out with different accounts from reputable and non-reputable news outlets, the more confusing the whole thing became.  But I cannot help but think that sensationalism of the players and the events that unfolded, have been portrayed in a way that are not only unsubstantiated but likely fraudulent. 

Don’t Shame People Into Leaving Someone

I hate to hear about people being mistreated by someone they care about.  It is a very devastating sort of situation that really can tear at someone’s mental stability.  As a general rule I try to avoid women who have extreme trust issues.  Not really something that I want to spend the rest of my life dealing with.  But people who have these issues as a result of being mistreated or betrayed I have a great deal of sympathy for.  Everyone is not just equipped to get over things.  Some of us are blessed with this sort of, pick yourself up and dust yourself off, type of personality.  And getting over things is different for different people.  In the real world, in real relationships, sometimes things happen.  Cheating happens.  Mistrust can happen.  Disappointment happens.  And getting over it for me might be working through it while getting over it for someone else might be just simply rolling out.  But from a friend, all I should ever really hear is support, encouragement with some sprinkles of reality flakes just to keep me sane.  But I should never hear someone trying to shame me into doing what they think is right.

Is Having Reservations the End of your relationship?

In my experience close to 50% of relationships start in a very casual sort of way.  For all of the talk of people having checklists and unreasonably high standards most people don’t acknowledge that a vast percentage of the dating pool is not really like that.  Most people don’t plan out their meals for the day, what they are going to wear in the morning until they get up or how they are going to pay some of their bills from month to month.  Essentially everyone is not some sort of anal, intense planner.  A lot of people just date whomever based on who they run into that day.  Who comes up to them.  Who they think is cute.  Who they have fun with.  And that’s it……  The drawback to that at times can be having this boulder of reality fall on you a year into what has become a serious relationship.  Having to decide if someone fits into the list of things that you just didn’t really care about too much on the front end.  And as you start to look at a couple of things that are glaring deficiencies for a serious companion that are not really relevant as a person you are dating, you start to realize……….Oh Shit……  what the hell have I been doing for the past year of my life?

Twerking for Mothers Day….For Solidarity….For Justice… For Liberation!

Who knew that Twerking was so righteous, dignified and important to the respect of mothers and women all over the world……  Not me!  I thought it was just something that little misguided high school girls did when they got a webcam, taking a break from their arduous studies in self-affirming women’s studies.  But I must say that after watching this lady get it poppin I am so sure that Angela Davis, Susan B. Anthony and Oprah are all beaming with happiness!

Haha….  Man I can’t even do this.  I am laughing to hard as I write this to let my true sarcasm come out at it’s best.  This guy who I found on YouTube Does these hilarious videos that he refers to as Employee Evaluations.  ANd the first couple that i saw were pretty funny.  But then I got to this video and I was so floored that I had to share.  Get a good laugh to start your day!

@jacksonbracey

Jackson.Bracey@gmail.com