Why won’t he call me back?
I know he isn’t trying to play me!
What’s up with this guy?
People hear this a lot. A perplexed lady trying to figure out why a once hot friend has 
now cooled. A guy that a woman involves herself with and ultimately becomes intimate with, suddenly stops being super attentive once she goes into the Tommie Strong book with a GTD entry next to her name. (Got The Drawers) But why? He was stalking your whole life when he was pursuing you. He was responding to texts messages right away. Always available to you whenever you called. Eager to take you out to be in your company. He even kept your email box full with daily conversation while you were at work. Now he suddenly is to busy to elaborate in his emails the way he once did. You get call backs instead of pick-ups when you call him. And instead of calling you to take you out he is calling to come over……late at night. What’s up with that?!
It is easy to see why women get annoyed with this sort of behavior out of guys. How are you gonna lead someone to a point of ascension in a “relationship” and then just all of a sudden fall off the map. Well part of the issue is the difference in looking at intimacy as a point of ascension while a guy sees it as a Climax. For guys sex is the actual climax. While for a lot of women, the climax is moving forward into this new space of relationship bliss is the climax. So while the guy is tapering off and settling into what he hopes to be a comfort zone, she is looking to re-fill the tank and soar to new heights! If it makes ladies feel any better to know this I will share with you that guys feel this withdraw too sometimes. It just comes before the intimacy part. It is not uncommon for guys to be sent into a bit of an emotional spiral when they suddenly get ignored by a woman who seemed to be responding to his advances for a couple of weeks. It happens all the time. Ladies are by for the most beautifully confusing and sometimes fickle creatures on the Earth. A woman can go from feigning some sort of sincere interest in a guy to totally ducking him out like he’s a Jehovah Witness bringing the Holy message to your doorstep. The major difference is that women have given up something more in their emotional disconnect than a man who has really just had a bruise to his ego and a slight emotional confusion that he will certainly recuperate from.
BUT WHY????
It always tickles me to hear ladies speak to why a guy pulls back from an association. I hear all sorts of incorrect assessments that are always some sort of defense mechanism response that is programmed out of an instant reaction to shelter our egos. Even my closest friend who happens to be a woman, used to say that a guy who pulled back from her once was Scared of his emotions and Afraid to make a committment because of his view of relationships………….. Riiiiigggggghhhhhtttttt. (in my Doctor Evil voice). The truth is that guys are not afraid of commitments or afraid of our emotions. That is just some bullshit that we tell women to keep them at bay. Put ourselves in a position to be pitied and not hated or resented. What guys are actually afraid of is getting into a relationship that we are not certain about. Moving too soon. Jumping out the window and getting with a woman just because they had sex. For guys sex is not a guarantee that they want to be with you in a greater capacity. Unfortunately for women, guys have a feeling that as soon as we have sex she is going to expect us to be a couple. Now as convoluted as that thinking is in some sense, it is quite accurate in some instances. And that’s why guys run the disappearing act for a few weeks. His point is to slow down this gravy train to a more acceptable pace. His control mechanism kicks in and he is watching your reactions like a hawk. Don’t think that he’s not.
He’s watching to see how attached you become. Do you react in a flustered or tense manner when he pulls back from you? Do you blow up his phone or keep texting him when you don’t get a response? He notices all that. And most importantly are you still going to be accepting of continuing a physical relationship. Because as of right now, that is as far as he wants to take the relationship.
Now guys aren’t animals. They are not evil creatures. They are just doing what people do. They are thinking exclusively of themselves up until the point that they deem a woman as being worthy of putting her feelings first. And just because you have sex with him, does not mean that he has made up his mind that you are that woman yet.
A few pieces of sincere advice to all the ladies who have been through this.
If you have not yet had sex with a guy…….
You’re in good shape. There is a very masterful art that you need to experiment with to get a guy to not flee after having sex. It starts by not being so quick to sleep with him. Let me repeat this …. It starts by not being so quick to sleep with him. Well…..what is too soon? Now I am not going to nail down like a specific timeframe in terms of days but I will use Steve Harvey’s 90 day rule as a starting point. (Wow…I am using Steve Harvey as a reference point..SMH) I only mention this as a reference to make the point that there are A LOT of women out there who do not wait 90 days to sleep with a man who they have been seeing , communicating with or going out with on a consistent basis. In the grand scheme of things 90 days is not a long time. But for some reason many people don’t get to that point before they sleep together. The rule of thumb that I would share with my daughter, if I had one, was to make sure that you wait until you really feel comfortable about a guy coming around to see you without the expectation of trying to make sexual advances. Let me explain. I you kiss a guy he can consider that 1st base. Well guess what? Progressively moving around the base path with a guy is a horrible idea! Because with each encounter he wants to get to the next base and eventually cross home plate. So when he leaves your house today after some heavy kissing and petting, he is expecting to get further the next time. And he has then attached and estimated time frame for when he should have hit it! This is awful because when a guy establishes a time frame he is going to come over everyday with the expectation to get a little closer to his goal. He is now completely driven sexually and no longer is really getting any closer to you as a person. He just has his eyes on the prize at this point. And afterwards he really does not know you well enough to say that he does not want to se anyone else. I know it is hard to hold out. Especially when other chicks are giving up the goods like free candy. But make sure that he is coming around to get to know you and not just putting in work.
If you have already slept with him and see him pulling back…….
You are in a tougher spot but not without some hope. If you feel a guy pulling back from you the number one thing that you cannot do is, show some sort of negative reaction or emotion. Once you tip a guy off that you are affected by his conscious effort to draw back then nothing good happens from there. Just be cool. Don’t press him for his time. Don’t call him any more than usual. Don’t initiate contact with him any more than usual. But when he decides to double back and continue to sleep with you, only do it at your convenience. The common mistake that women make is no longer sleeping with a guy and making it an obvious sort of decision that you’ve made. Men take such an action as a woman trying to force him to be with her exclusively. And no guy is going to respond well to that sort of control tactic. Just be more subtle about getting him to do what you want. Don’t be available when he wants to come over. If he wants to come over tonight for a nite-cap, tell him that you are busy but that he can come by two days later. When he wants to have movie night dates on the couch, insist that you are tired of being cooped up and that you want to go someplace specific. You pay if necessary. But do not give him the impression that you are so overwhelmed by his company or his sex-game that you are like his puppet on a string. But be subtle. If you are in any way overt about purposely avoiding him sexually or not making yourself available to him then he will resent the idea that you are challenging him like that and things can just get too messy with people ego posturing with one another. Don’t make him feel secure about how much you are into him if he is not making you feel secure about how much he is into you.
A guy pulling back from a lady doesn’t mean that he is just using her or that he will not possibly find himself madly in love with a woman…..eventually. It just means that he doesn’t know yet. For guys sexual intimacy does not equate to relationship compatibility. So he is just pulling back to find out what is what on his own terms and at his own pace. Without a beautiful woman pressing him out. Just be aware and protect yourself accordingly. Because his slow time table might not match yours initially but taking a step back might make a lady see that other than a sexual attraction, there might not be a lot there it bind you to a lazy dullard with no career, who just happens to have broad shoulders and nice teeth.
@jacksonbracey
I’ve never experienced this but I also wait until I’m in an exclusive relationship with the guy before we have sex so maybe that’s why I don’t quite understand…Maybe I’m a little naive here..so Jackson please help me out on this one, I’m being serious…Wouldn’t a situation like this be avoided if the woman waited until she was in an exclusive relationship with the guy before she slept with him in the first place?
it absolutely would be avoided. Because when a guy has to wait he tends to be more emotionally invested. But too many ladies have been told to asert their sexual independence thinking that it is OK to proceed with a little bit less caution. It empowers women but it doesn’t improve their situation with a man.
Plus it is hard for a girl to wait a respectable amount of time when so many other women are giving it up for free. Contraty to popular belief, making a guy wait is not just an issue of some outdated moral code. it is the key to helping a man build some closeness and sense of committment to a woman.
Sadly women don’t subscribe to this understanding. even when a man is telling it to them.
Ok…I thought so…thanks for confirming that…
Yeah, some woman I’ve talked (older than me at that) said sex isn’t a big deal so I shouldn’t make a guy wait…I just look at them crosseyed…What next having several baby daddy’s isn’t a big deal either? smh
Thank you for posting on my blog!! I really appreciate the encouragement.
This is a great post. I’ve been in a situation where I didn’t get burned, more like singed because we didn’t make things clear as to what it was. Just seeing what happens doesn’t work. If a man’s main goal, is sex, he should just say that out right. That way I know to check my own emotions at the door and proceed, or just say actually I’m looking for something more permanent. I’ve heard its idealistic for men to tell you that from the start but, it makes things easier. If he does want a relationship, then I would hope he sees the importance of waiting a bit.
nw i realise iv made d mistake of sleepin with him after a month and a half….while im a virgin…. He stills text and calls first everyday but it felt different,as if he is so emotionally away and i dont feel like i got his undivided attention… When he calls,it is a short talk,when he text it is a short conversation..The sad thing is, just days later after sex he got stuck up with extra works( which i dont doubt and is true) and now i dont know whethr itz just becoz of the work or is he just not dat into me anymore…can i have your advice???
Well Kerry….I am sorry that things did notwork out for you the way that you had hoped. These experiences are tough. But the only advice that anyone can give you is to not let yourself be consumed by someone elses behavior. Just concentrate on being happy and everything else will fall into place. Don’t give anything of yourself that you cannot live without. If your energy and focus needs to be replaced then make sure that you only give it to someone who is giving it back to you. I hope this helps you.
Catwap
okhay,so he dump me for no reason a few weeks back and we decided to be friends(well coz of my own pride i dont wana look like im hurt and accept his friendship proposal) we dont kip in touch and ignore each other even when we ran into.. Bt now he is texting and ask me how my work is going…. Whats up with this guy,i mean can you give me a slight info on what the heck he could be thinking…. We are both a peacock proud ppl…
The best thing you can do is to wait. Don’t initiate calls or texts to him. And take your time before replying to his messages. Men automatically think that women are going to pursue a relationship once sex has occurred. Throw him off by showing him that it’s not that simple. And it shouldn’t be. A night of passion does not a relationship make. Men and women are wired differently. Most women don’t have sex with a man unless we feel there is a potential for a long term commitment. Most men, on the hand, do not correlate the two…At least not in the beginning.
Hi i need your advice.. I am talking with this guy through phone, i mean just text messages.. He try to call me sometimes but i never answer the phone coz i prefer just texting him.. So i never meet this guy in person. He have a work in different state, so one dAy when he went somewhere for his job, he ask me to go out with him coz he planning to stop by to the state where i stay because he says its also on his way, so he booked a plane ticket and rent a car so that we can go anywhere when he come because i dont have car,, so when we meet already we went out somewhere, we had fun, he is easy going and we understand each other. And then i get drunk little bit and end up staying to his hotel and then something happened.. And in the morning when we woke up, we went to downtown and had fun, we play bowling and he taught me, we had fun but after that we went back to the hotel coz he need to leave go back to his place for his job. And he said he wants to come again maybe on christmas but what bothers me is the day after he never text me or call me? What is this means? I am really confuse, i never send him message yet coz i want to wait..
Okey so I have known this guys for about a year, we have been good friends. He know how I am and knows that I’m not like other girls. What I’m trying to say is that he knows I have not done anything with anyone as sex wise. Sad to say I have not had sex for about 2 years and he knows that. We went out couple nights ago with a crew of friends had fun danced and just had a blast. We got back to my friends house everyone else went to sleep except us. Had fun just catching up laughing and the usual. When it was time to go to sleep because we were both tired. We started to cuddle then out of no were the making out came in leading to sex. He made me feel comfortable and had an awesome time. But my question is, why did he went to have sex with me knowing my none experience. In his eyes is this more of trying to get in my pants or trying to move on relationship wise. Just really confused about the whole thing. He hasent txt me after that happened. So I’m no sure if he is waiting for me txt back or like you explain trying to see how I’m going to react to us having sex. Please help. I really don’t want to loose him as a friend
This was a great topic.. love it, im def gonna take all this in… i have this guy im tryna get, but i started it off wrong by having sex with him the second time i saw him, it;s just the zex was different with him it was wierd it didn’t feel like the lame sex i have with other dudes.. we talked had fun, and we weren.t really worried about anything else but us… idk but i sorta wanna reel him in, i just dont know how to? & i was wondering if i should text him after we had sex and he left? is that a good idea? or should i wait?
About a week ago I came out of a 6 year relationship which was very upsetting but a relief at the same time. At the weekend I met this guy very randomly and both got quite drunk, and I ended up at his place where we kissed and a little more… I couldn’t stop thinking about him all weekend as he aroused something very powerful in me and I texted him on Sunday and asked if he wanted to meet up. I went over to his place and after a little bit of resistence on my part, we had amazing sex, which I think I regret now. He is a very emotionally withdrawn person and also just got out of a relationship where he was very hurt. I wasn’t looking for a relationship, I was looking forward to a few weeks of peace, but I find this guy so attractive, its like I’ve been hit by a bus. Anyway, he was very warm physically but very closed emotionally and didn’t really take much interest in getting to know me or complimenting me, even though he was very nice and respectful. I took it to either mean that he is just not into me, or he is scared of getting hurt again. I have decided not to contact him, if he wants me, he can call himself.. Is this a good move?
Nicole I would say that you are doing the absolute right thing. It is easy for people to get attached to someone too soon. So you are doing the right thing I believe in falling back and letting him drive your future interaction. Let him express his interest for you in a way that is beyond sexual. If he is emotionally distant I get that. It makes sense. But that just isn’t your problem and not your responsibility to take on to work him through. Let him figure our where he is before you guys start hookin gup again….. If you actual want something substantial to develop. If you just like to hook up with him, then by all means have at it. Just protect yourself at all times! Good luck!
Thank you for your comment
I have a feeling he won’t call and I have to let it go, sad as it may be. I will spend the next few weeks finding myself spiritually. That is the best thing. Thanks again
When you say pull back, shouldn’t the guy be making some sort of effort though? I dated a guy for ten weeks, once a week with phone calls, texts, etc in between. After spending the day together, we had sex and we spent the whole next day together and engage in more intimacy. (He offered to go to movies but i declined due to plans). The following week he was affectionate (perhaps even moreso than before) only to act flaky about a date and then stop calling altogether.I called him once Ans we spoke and all seemed to be well. Since then we haven’t spoken in over two weeks. Not sure what to make of it….
Suze
Don’t make anything of it at all. I know it is tough but fight the urge to be consumed with what he is is doing or thinking. In the end this on again off again type behavior just isn’t enough for you. If you want more than that then don’t tolerate it now. HE might be a good guy but who cares if it is not in a way that makes you comfortable. Just let him roll.
He should indeed make some sort of effort to match what you put in. If not, don’t you put in a greater effort to compensate for what he is not doing. This one didn’t work out but I am sure that another one will.
This totally makes sense. But what if he never called to begin with. We would talk about once a week to make plans. He’s not a chit-chatter and neither am I. We had been seeing each other, just about every weekend, for 3 months. We had sex for the first time 2 weeks ago. Since then he has not called. (So is it no calls in 2 weeks, which is really bad and he’s probably just done with me? Or is it just 2 less calls than usual and not that big of a deal?? )
I met this guy and we talked for hours at an eateryand they he wanted to leave and have me either go to his place or come to mine since we met halfway. Well we went back to my place. We were just going to watch some TV and talk but then he started kissing me and it just happened….we had sex. I don’t do that ever! He called me a couple days later and we made plans for the next weekend. This time I went to his place and I thought the plan was to just watch a movie but we ended up just having sex again. I didn’t really want all this to happen but I let it. I guess I was sucked in by him telling me how perfect I was, that I was so beautiful and how he loved my body and my confidence…(which I’m not a confident person) maybe that’s why I did it. Well to get to the point….he won’t talk to me now. Why do guys build you up and make you feel special and then break your heart? I think that is so cruel. He made everything seem like it was good…. he even said that an old girlfriend wanted to see him and he told her that he met someone else…then all of a sudden he won’t talk to me?? WTH … I made the mistake of sending him an email for Valentines telling him how I felt…and no I didn’t say I wanted a relationship or that I love you or anything…then when I didn’t get a responce I called him and of course he didin’t answer and I know he was home. So is this all totally screwed up?? I’m just confused …. the funny thing is that the sex for me wasn’t even that good but I still liked him. Should I just let this go, chalk it up to a bad experience and forget it?