I have seen a lot of people put up with way too much in relationships.  Putting up with things for a man is often justified in our minds as compromise.  And in reality that is the way that I think it should be.  No guy goes into a relationship fully thinking that he is going to get along with a woman perfectly like he does with his boys and not have to endure some of the unique particulars that make women “special”.  The sorts of things that make our skin crawl but are certainly important to women.  So we learn to compromise.  But most people get caught up pulling the compromise card too often.  Compromise can be a good thing.  But it can also be considered an unhealthy euphemism when we use that word to cover up the things that are detrimental to our spirit.  Things that we are putting up with that are hurting us or not helping to create a balance in our lives or presenting us with a some measure of growth.  Compromising is learning to accept that you as an individual are not in charge all the time.  That not doing exactly what you want to do in every aspect of your life is not going to be a bad thing.  Compromise is understanding that I need to be mindful of how this decision is going to affect someone else.  On the other hand Putting Up with Shit is when you have a person who says less than respectful things to you.  People who normalize behavior that makes you feel badly.  Dealing with someone who does not respect the things that you value and make it a point to tell you each and everything that you do that they are disgusted with.  There is a difference between a man telling a woman that he is not really into the ballet, and telling her that it is a stupid art form that only corny and stupid people enjoy.  One statement professes a sense of honesty that can be communicated with respect while the other is a just and asshole talking who cannot see beyond his personal druthers.  For many of us we just have a hard time discerning between the two. 

Love always seems to creep in before the onslaught of stuff that we can, on the back-end of relationships, call Red Flags.  We are always so caught up into the emotions of things well before we realize that someone has bad habits.  And I don’t mean habits like not making a bed or not calling before you come over.  I mean habits like unreliability.  Emotional withdrawal or abusive behavior.  Professional irresponsibility or even the dreaded trust issues.  And when they hit…..we freeze up.  We don’t pull the same “kick-rocks” trigger that we would have pulled a month ago.  And this is the point where we go from calling our differences a part of Compromise instead of Shit I am Putting Up with.  We have that moment where we start to say things like, It’s not that big of a deal.  I can change him/her.  I am not perfect.  Pretty common stuff.  But when you start saying this sort of stuff it can start a snowball effect that can either lead you to green pastures or a desolate wasteland of hurt feelings and regrets.  But who exactly knows which path to go down when you see that fork in the road? 

For me, I think that I always go through that period after break-ups where I go through the mental gymnastics of what I was doing.  What I was enduring and moments when I should have been doing this and what I should have said or done when she said this or did this and the whole I should tell her about this and I know she lied to me about this or I remember when she kept this from me and so forth and so on…………  But for me I always have that STFU moment when my conscience tells me to be honest about that stuff not being what is really bothering me.  I have learned that for myself, that dealing with certain things in failed relationships for me is not about reflecting on all of the things that I Put Up With.  It is about dealing with the emotion that I mentioned earlier that we all know to well.  It is the Disappointment.  The disappointment that takes us through all of these replays of bad moments.  The disappointment in knowing that you gave of yourself in ways that you do not want to do again.  The disappointment in knowing that for all of your best efforts that you did not get what you ultimately wanted out of a situation.  So resentment on some levels is a very natural thing.  But for me, the things that I put up with are not Put Up With sort of issues at all.  For me they are compromise.  And I am better for it.  I aspire to be a man who finds it in himself to compromise on stances and positions that can work on that sliding scale of Making her Happy/maintain what is most important to me.  Give and take.  I am happy to give in some areas as a way to build up my equity for things that I am more inflexible on.  And anything that I have endured with a woman that I have dated has never been something that my arm was twisted to get me to do.   It was part of that balance game that all mature people must play.  Every single person hears the phrase all the time…… No one is perfect.  And that is true. You/Me included.  And as long as you can discern between a relationship that forces you to compromise and maintain your dignity, and a relationship where you are putting up with shit that is borderline killing your spirit, then you will be alright.  But just know that when it ends, that disappointment is going to be there.  And know that instead of making it about all that you endured or sacrificed or put up with, know that it is more about the disappointment of not getting your pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  Whatever that pot of gold is for you……..

@jacksonbracey

jackson.bracey@gmail.com

Stevie Wonder has one of the most amazing catalogs of music that anyone could ever lay claim too. Not just because of the countless hits but because the music carries messages that resonate with people on so many levels. Stevie seems to have a song to match just about every significant emotion that I have ever experienced. So in times when my mood or perspective has been taken to a dark and less than pleasant place by the countless lewd, vulgar, violent and disrespectful messages that we soak up like sponges because of a banging baseline, I know that I can always go to Stevie to restore myself to a place of calm with a positive feeling. A feeling of love, happiness and giving. All the things that I desperately want to be the basis for what guides my life. So today I have decided to roll with a little less Mobb Deep and a little more Stevie Wonder!

So know as I hop down from my soap box, take a second to listen to the song and feel some Joy Inside Your Tears. And try not to tear up if you work in a cubicle environment like I do! *sniffle*

@jacksonbracey
Jackson.Bracey@gmail.com

By my own admission I am a cream puff when it comes to having to deliver bad news.  Especially to a woman.  With guys I take their sensitive feelings with much less compassion.  But when it comes to ladies, all my life,I have struggled to tell her that I am not really interested.  It is literally an anxiety thing.  My heart rate elevates, my palms get clammy and I generally just avoid it as much as I can.  I am being totally and shamefully honest when I say that I will play dumb to a womans advances quick, rather than to tell her NO straight out.  I will be short over text and not return calls with any frequency in the hopes that she will just get the hint and fade to black.  I have even had women verbally drop their papers right in front of me.   Only to  act blind like I am Stevie Wonder in front of a stop sign.  A large part of that comes from some strange desire that I always have to not be viewed as a bad guy.  As someone who initiates someone else’s discomfort or pain.  And in my younger days that  “Mr. Nice Guy” routine got me strong armed into a few situations with women that I really did not want to be in.  I was Deebo’d into a couple of dates that I wasn’t quick enough to get out of.   And in an all time low moment in my life I had a girl jump in my face and shove her tongue down my throat.  (Just to type that brings up the remembrance of that mouth to mouth violation for me and now I feel dirty all over again)   But the things that I have put up with at the sake of avoiding honesty seem to really be worth it.  Because some of the things that I  have heard in response to being honest have been so crippling to me.  What you mean You aren’t interested!  Who hell do you think you?!  You definitely ain’t all that!  What the fuck, are you gay?!  What kind of man are you?  I should have known….who has a name like Jackson!  Now you’re laughing right now but I have heard all of this type of stuff before.  I have gone from having a woman talk to me with the sweetest voice with the  kindest intentions to sounding like the actress Tasha Smith in one of her stereotypical black girl rants in a buffoonish Tyler Perry flick.  And those sorts of encounters unnerve me.  I am not gonna say STFU and kick rocks bitch!  I am not gonna say, you are lucky I didn’t bang your mediocre ass for sport and never call you again.  I am not going to say, I have dated girls that blow you out the water.  Did you really think you had a shot?   Those are harsh and evil words that make me feel like an arrogant prick.  And I never want to come off as it if I think I am better than anyone.  But they are certainly some of the choice cliché’s that come to mind when I am attacked for being what I thought was respectful and sensitive to a woman’s feelings.  Delicately honest, in the hopes that she can see it as me not wasting her time.  Because time after time this is what I hear women say that they want.  They do not want someone to waste their time.  That is sensible and practical.  No need for a woman to have delusions of what could possibly come to pass if she wants forever and he’s thinking more like tonight.  But as usual there is often times a disconnect between what people say that they want and what they actually do when they get it.  After a couple of dates with a cool girl a couple of years ago, she started to put her foot on the gas and move in a direction that I was not cool with.  She was a nice girl, and instead of me feeding into her advances and taking things with her to a physical level I bowed out because I was not really into her like that.  So I delicately said to her, “Listen Keish…. you are a great girl and super cool but I just don’t see you like that.  I don’t really want to go there with you because I think it would send the wrong message about where it would go after that…….”  True story…I said those exact words!  And me thinking that I am a wordsmith of Christopher Marlowe proportions, I was literally thinking that I would get a thankful response to that. 

Keisha:  Well….thanks for telling me that.  I am a bit embarrassed but I appreciate the fact that you were honest.

Perfect world, that’s what she would have said and to this day we could still be cool.  But that was just not my reality that day.  The words that she said to me are not worth me repeating because sometimes my mother probably reads this blog.  Let’s just say that the tongue lashing was fierce.  And despite the fact that I had a barrage of equally scathing words to throw back in her face, my built-in gentleman switch kicked in and I just walked away while she was losing her cool. 

But those encounters are so unbearable for me.  They shouldn’t be but they are.  I haven’t figured out whether I hate those moments so much more so because I do not like feeling like the bad guy or because I cannot bring myself to scream on or curse out a woman.  Either way I stay trying to duck those situations.  Ultimately though it just calls to question the validity of those cliché opinions that we throw around about honesty.  We all want the truth but we all can’t handle the truth.  And we do not make it any easier for people to tell us the truth when instead of thank you responses we give off manifestations of our shame or hurt.  Who wants to ever tell the truth when people give you grief instead of thank yous for your trouble? 

Before I get dirty emails about condoning people being dishonest, let me state directly that such an opinion is not my message.  But we all have to foster an environment where honesty is not met with disgust and defensiveness.  We all get bent out of shape when we hear ugly truths about ourselves but control yourself.  And don’t wait until a week has passed by for you to see the benefits of that honesty.  Otherwise you are going to get less and less straight answers and more and more sidestepping commentary with people who are scared of your Kanye-like outburst that is sure to follow when your girlfriend gives you an honest assessment of your sex-game.  #imjustsayin

Jackson.Bracey@gmail.com

@jacksonbracey

People should never be naive about the pitfalls of being involved with folks in a dating capacity.  The world is filled with opportunists.  People who are entirely self-serving.  Men and women of low compassion and integrity.  But the world is also balanced by people of sincerity, tenderness and honor.  People who don’t deserve to be questioned and scrutinized because of the baggage that we carry.  The most flustering dynamic of the situation is trying to get those scarred and bruised skeptics to understand that as long as they are carrying around that Samsonite Luggage that they will never attract that quality person that is going to be able to be good to and for them.  Why would a woman want to take on a man’s committment issues and be the one to break down his walls and barriers?  Wouldn’t it be more fair for her to just get a guy who doesn’t have the same hang-ups?  And what guy really wants to be a womans superhero and save her from her lifetime of all men are dogs mentality?  He would be better off just getting a woman with a fresh perspective.  A car with a few less miles.  One that doesn’t squeal quite so much when you hit the brakes or leak as much oil and water when you put it in park.

None of us are perfect.  And our experiences make us who we are.  The good and the bad.  But when the bad have become some strong that they guide our outlook on the world, it is time for us all  to take a step back and take control of where we want our lives to go.  Are we content with letting the worst of our experiences becoming our reality?  Or do we make an effort to let go of the negativity that has caused us such pain.  And the million dollar question that we all have to ask is, who in the hell is really going to want to put up with you and your skepticism and trust issues?

Think about it……

@jacksonbracey

jackson.bracey@gmail.com

I have certainly been accused of being old-fashioned in my day.  Conservative even.  And being a bit of a politically aware person I sort of rejected the association with the word conservative.  But I have come to realize that I am pretty conservative when it comes to relationships.  More on the traditional side of things.  And before my lady readers start to suck their teeth at what that possibly means let me clarify.  I don’t mean traditional in the “women should be barefoot and pregnant” sort of way.  I mean that in the “I don’t like to gamble and take risks” sort of way.  Or the “I respect having some level of order when it comes to my family” sort of way.  What that means is that I like women who are compassionate and kind-hearted as oppose to tough and unnecessarily aggressive.  I like to think that a woman will compliment my mannish qualities as oppose to trying to compete with them.  I need balance in my life, not a competitor.  And while it makes me proud to be with a woman who is successful at her job and career, I would ideally like to have a woman who can manage a balance between her work and giving her first priority to her relationship. 

In talking to a lot of women, they have expressed a certain level of disgust with men who have no sense of traditional responsibilities that usually are expected of guys.  Quasi-celebrity Claudia Jordan started a topic on twitter that I thought was pretty hilarious and sparked a huge conversation when she started to comment on something referring to #How2beAman.  Her premiss was centered around guys not knowing how to do handy things that are important.  Hanging pictures, fixing small things on the car or even knowing how to repair household items.  Now I would never use these characteristics as a way to define a man as “real”, but you will never hear me say that these things are not important for a guy to be able to do on some levels.  I mean you don’t necessarily need to be able to hang sheet rock in the basement but if your first instinct is to buy a new vacuum cleaner when the current one stops working then you my need to brush up on your MAN knowledge.  Being able to fulfill certain responsibilities that maintain a household means a lot.  Not cool for your lady to have to look to someone else to do things like cut the grass or re-arrange the storage room or even know what the lights on the dashboard of her car mean.  And according to what Miss Claudia Jordan’s followers were tweeting this isn’t just “super conservative” Jackson Bracey talking.  Tons of women where tweeting about their dismay about not having guys who can do this sort of stuff.  Someone who carries heavy groceries.  Someone who warms up the car in the winter time.  Someone who will shovel out the car when it is trapped in the snow and empty’s the trash on trash days.  This isn’t the most labor intensive stuff in my opinion but as more and more people buck traditionalism are these the sort of nagging things that get affected.  But the fair question that women have to ask when guys are not doing these sorts of things, is what sort of pieces of traditionalism have I let fall by the way side?

Men have a long laundry list of things that they are seemingly crying over that are lost in today’s woman as well.  And the one that we all seem to get hung up on is Cooking.  I think women do a decent job of acknowledging this issue as being something fundamental but at the same time the way that guys are feeling like they address this concern is somewhat less that stellar.  A buddy of mine once cracked me up when he talked about a girl he dates who invited him over for dinner.  He was pleased with the invite but less than pleased with the product.  He always goes into this joking tirade about how she made a meal from scratch that looked exactly like a hungry man dinner.  She cut up chicken tenders and some fries, with a side of green beans.  Nothing stellar and a meal that gave off more of that 6 min microwave feel than the pots and pans filling meal sort of feel.  But my experience I must say has been pretty cool with women and cooking.  Partly because I don’t have high expectations with that aspect as long as we can get some sort of healthy balance.  But a lot of men feel like women don’t fulfill some other traditional roles like being tidy or washing clothes. Being accommodating with respect to company or friends and family. Taking a nurturing role of support for someone else’s struggles and hardships. In talking to a lot of guys I didn’t put too much stock in some of the more barbaric and crass things that they commented on in jest but, quite a few of them did express that they sometimes just don’t feel like they are in a relationship with someone who balances them or compliments them.

We can only fight our human nature for so long. And pushing the limits too far will sometimes backfire in our face like a sling-shot. There is only so long that a man can come up short as a provider and protector before a woman starts to get frustrated. There is only so long that a woman can reject the role of being a nurturer and care-giver before a man starts to question what she thinks her role is. But as our culture “evolves” and people confuse these standards of living as being some sort of symbolic shackles that mandate that a woman cannot be successful at a job or that a man cannot take the less stable career path in pursuit of larger success, we just seem to try to rebel against them even more. Not realizing that we can only reject our earthly natures for so long. If you are a guy, don’t run from the responsibility of having to fix broken things and even situations in your relationship. And if you are a woman, don’t run away from the idea of being a nurturer and a person of compassion. It just makes for an easy compliment. And most of all, don’t ask for the traditionalism that you do not bring to the table yourself. Give what you hope to receive. Golden Rule People!

What sort of traditional Roles do you think relationships are lacking today? Are they even important in a today’s world?

@jacksonbracey

jackson.bracey@gmail.com

I don’t have a bad relationship with my ex. I actually have a stalker sort of relationship with her. And before I totally throw away any level of cool or respectability that I have built up on this blog, let me clarify what I mean by “stalker”. Of course I check her Facebook page. Of course I glance across her twitter from time to time. And I keep tabs with a friend who has seen her out a few times as well. The same normal stuff that this information technology age has made it impossible for us to avoid. And for the record I would bet anyone $1000 bucks that she does the same thing to me. She is what I consider to be a legit friend even though we do not speak. And when you are legitimately someone’s friend, how you look is not at the top of what makes a relationship go. Now obviously we are not about to gain 80lbs a piece. Because I don’t think that I am alone in saying that she would be totally disgusted by my appearance if I did. But I can say that me getting super ripped is not going to have much of an effect on her or make her feelings for me suddenly increase.  Or decrease for that matter. And I am not nearly lame enough to suddenly send her a photo of my six-pack. (maybe a carefully shot Facebook pic) So how would she ever truly know about my new physique?  But I stay using her for some sort of weird motivation for me to push through when I do not feel like working out.

Top Reasons to use your Ex for Motivation In the Gym

1. Someone dogged you out for not being good enough. No one wants to think that they were undervalued or under appreciated. And thinking about the asshole who commented on your belly sticking out when you are in the gym can be a good source of internal rage to help you push through those last few crunches.

2. He/She dumped you for someone that is much more fit than you. Now I am not a big advocate for inflated egos (even though I have one), but I do believe that it is good to maintain a healthy self-image. And the better you look the better you feel. Nothing can be worse than someone leaving you for someone who you feel is better looking than you, and that fact being the major factor in your significant others decision to upgrade. Now I would not go get juiced up on steroids to look like some muscle head who my EX left me for but I would damn sure get my hard body, Shaun T(hip-hop abs), P90x on for a while to let her know what all this looks like when I am in shape! (That is actually pretty pathetic as I type it out………)  we can’t help but feel motivated by our insecurities at times.  It’s either that or slit our wrists.

3.  You clearly want to get back together with your ex!  Now this is the pretty straight forward assumption of most people when you keep a pin-up of your ex in the mirror that you stare at blankly for 10 minutes before you break into jumping jacks to warm up for that 5 mile run.  Now circumstance and geography do not make this my reality but I think that it is a very strong motivator for a lot of people.  We always have this thought in our minds that we want someone to see us looking the best that we possibly can so that they can have this feeling of regret that they can touch and feel all over this sexy body!  But realistically that is a sensation that only lasts a quick minute. After a few hours of admiring someones frame and reminiscing about old times, we usually do something or say something that completely reminds someone of why the two of you are no longer together.  So in essence, getting extra hunky or fit is not going to make someone want to get back with you.  It might urge them to get with you in the temporary sense, but nothing remotely close to wanting to rekindle that flamed out love. 

Maybe instead of drowning out our hurt feelings into the gym, we should consider attacking the more glaring deficiencies in our personality.  Thinking critically about our flaws and less about our waist line as it pertains to making ourselves more attractive to not only an Ex, but to people in general.  A woman is not going to leave a guy because he gained 10 lbs.  And despite what women may feel about a guys propensity to notice the physical a man generally won’t leave woman for that either.  But people will leave you for constantly being in a foul mood.  For being the type of person that can never be satisfied or happy with things.  For being some sort of super control freak that wallows in his/her own insecurities and expects a partner to be in line step for step with their misery.  Attack the real problems that can be our stepping-stones for self-improvement.  That will carry us much farther than a temporary moment of making an Ex remorseful for moving on.  Who knows…..  It might just carry you into a longer lasting relationship the next go around.

@jacksonbracey

jackson.bracey@gmail.com

As for the more pressing matters, I really want to say thank you for the positive feedback that I get from al of you.  I am always glad to hear from you via email and Facebook about your thoughts and I am never too busy to respond to those of you who are seeking a man’s perspective on more personal issues.  Every guy needs a lady who he can get a solid perspective from as it pertains to relationships.  The same holds true for ladies and I am flattered that some of you consider my perspective valid enough to pay attention to.

Also I am in the process of changing the theme of the site so that it can be read more easily.  It has been brought to my attention that not only is it hard to read with the dark background but that the comments box is all blacked out.  I must fix so that no one has to strain their eyes while reading my babble!  I am on it and hopefully it will be adjusted by the weekend. 

Stevie Wonder is one of the best to ever do it and I wanted to share one of his most inspirational songs with you guys and say that I really appreciate the love.

@jacksonbracey

Jackson.bracey@gmail.com

But identifying a certain predilection does not exclude me from having a huge appreciation for thicker women.  Seeing a woman with curves is a fascinating thing for a man.  He is captivated by it and curious as to where all this scrumptious juiciness is coming from.  What it feels like and how do you make it move so enticingly.  This is why men can at times be so mesmerized by a woman’s figure even when she looks like a borderline hyena in the face.  Her frame is so amazing to men that our normal standard of respectable behavior goes out the window.  Think about it?  If a person bumps into someone attractive from the neck up you look them in the eyes.  But if you meet a woman or even a man who has a jacked up grill then you immediately size up their body.  It is just a lot easier for a man to notice that a woman is stacked through her clothes than it is for a woman to notice if a man is hung like a horse.  Or if he has an ass that you can bounce a quarter off of.  Don’t be put off if a man stares at your ass on the street.  Correct him but don’t hate him.  Because on some levels it is no different than a guy staring you in your face when you walk by. He is just noticing your beauty from a different perspective!  (Did I just try to justify ogling a woman?) 

However there comes a point that I find myself having to make some more difficult decisions about how I move forward with women of varying sizes.  And I am afraid that this is where the shallow side of me comes out.  I have become more conscious of my shape and weight as I have gotten older because I know that my metabolism is falling like cinder block in the ocean and I my health is of the utmost importance to me.  Plus I do not want to spend a bunch of money on tailoring my suits as my waist expands.  And the same simple logic that I apply to my own life applies to how I see other people.  People see a super thick, dynamite stacked brick house and lust after that body.  But people also think about where that body will be in a few years.  And that may not be as good of a look in 2017 as it is in 2011.  With the rise in hypertension, heart disease, diabetes and high-cholesterol in black men, is a woman wrong to encourage me to be more fit?  Is she wrong to tell me to stop buying new pants and try to work on fitting into the ones that I have outgrown?  Or should I say outgained, because I am not getting any taller.  Women are not as superficially visual as guys but it cannot be a beautiful experience for her to have to endure my fat belly laying on top of her, breathing like darth vader, when she can recall a time when I was much more fit.  I get it.  And guys as well try to mentally project how a woman will look post-pregnancy and whether or not she is one baby away from being that chick that I would have never looked at before we got together.  I cringe as I say that too women but it is a real part of life.  Men like to be physically stimulated by the woman that they love.  It is not all that attracts us but it is a vital part.  For both men and women, if you have ever been thin and gained an excessive amount of weight, it is indeed a turnoff to the person you are dating.  They may not tell you this because of how much it will affect you on a personal level but believe me it is not a good look.  And if you have the nerve to actually ask someone if they think you are fat or getting fat……then I really think that you already have your answer depite what they may say with your feelings in mind.

I really wrote this post to speak to how important it is that people get healthy and fit in a way that personally improves your health and externally keeps you attractive to the one you love.  And not super fit like some sort of video vixen, but just not totally unrecognizeable to the person that you have been daitng from 4 pants sizes ago.  My blogger friend at lionessrising.wordpress.com brought up this discussion about the difference between curvy & thick and from a man’s shallow perspective we are always keenly aware of the line that separates the two.  I think it was a shallow man who made up that old saying about someone being just one pastry away from being fat.  Shamefully in making those assessments they forgot to look down and notice their beer belly in the process, because women are just as entitled to question a man’s personal health and commitment to fitness.

What do you think?  Is it appropriate to project is someone’s sexy curves or manly thickness of today will turn out to be blubbery skin in 5 years?  Or is unreasonable…or even shallow to be at all concerned with such things.

@jacksonbracey

jackson.bracey@gmail.com

 I know he isn’t trying to play me! 

 What’s up with this guy? 

People hear this a lot.  A perplexed lady trying to figure out why a once hot friend has now cooled.  A guy that a woman involves herself with and ultimately becomes intimate with, suddenly stops being super attentive once she goes into the Tommie Strong book with a GTD entry next to her name. (Got The Drawers)  But why?  He was stalking your whole life when he was pursuing you.  He was responding to texts messages right away.  Always available to you whenever you called.  Eager to take you out to be in your company.  He even kept your email box full with daily conversation while you were at work.  Now he suddenly is to busy to elaborate in his emails the way he once did.  You get call backs instead of pick-ups when you call him.  And instead of calling you to take you out he is calling to come over……late at night.  What’s up with that?!

It is easy to see why women get annoyed with this sort of behavior out of guys.  How are you gonna lead someone to a point of ascension in a “relationship” and then just all of a sudden fall off the map.  Well part of the issue is the difference in looking at intimacy as a point of ascension while a guy sees it as a Climax.  For guys sex is the actual climax.  While for a lot of women, the climax is moving forward into this new space of relationship bliss is the climax.  So while the guy is tapering off and settling into what he hopes to be a comfort zone, she is looking to re-fill the tank and soar to new heights!  If it makes ladies feel any better to know this I will share with you that guys feel this withdraw too sometimes.  It just comes before the intimacy part.  It is not uncommon for guys to be sent into a bit of an emotional spiral when they suddenly get ignored by a woman who seemed to be responding to his advances for a couple of weeks.  It happens all the time.  Ladies are by for the most beautifully confusing and sometimes fickle creatures on the Earth.  A woman can go from feigning some sort of sincere interest in a guy to totally ducking him out like he’s a Jehovah Witness bringing the Holy message to your doorstep.  The major difference is that women have given up something more in their emotional disconnect than a man who has really just had a bruise to his ego and a slight emotional confusion that he will certainly recuperate from. 

BUT WHY????

It always tickles me to hear ladies speak to why a guy pulls back from an association.  I hear all sorts of incorrect assessments that are always some sort of defense mechanism response that is programmed out of an instant reaction to shelter our egos.  Even my closest friend who happens to be a woman, used to say that a guy who pulled back from her once was Scared of his emotions and Afraid to make a committment because of his view of relationships………….. Riiiiigggggghhhhhtttttt.  (in my Doctor Evil voice).  The truth is that guys are not afraid of commitments or afraid of our emotions.  That is just some bullshit that we tell women to keep them at bay.  Put ourselves in a position to be pitied and not hated or resented.   What guys are actually afraid of is getting into a relationship that we are not certain about.  Moving too soon.  Jumping out the window and getting with a woman just because they had sex.  For guys sex is not a guarantee that they want to be with you in a greater capacity.  Unfortunately for women, guys have a feeling that as soon as we have sex she is going to expect us to be a couple.   Now as convoluted as that thinking is in some sense, it is quite accurate in some instances.  And that’s why guys run the disappearing act for a few weeks.  His point is to slow down this gravy train to a more acceptable pace.  His control mechanism kicks in and he is watching your reactions like a hawk.  Don’t think that he’s not.

He’s watching to see how attached you become.  Do you react in a flustered or tense manner when he pulls back from you? Do you blow up his phone or keep texting him when you don’t get a response?  He notices all that.  And most importantly are you still going to be accepting of continuing a physical relationship.  Because as of right now, that is as far as he wants to take the relationship. 

Now guys aren’t animals.  They are not evil creatures.  They are just doing what people do.  They are thinking exclusively of themselves up until the point that they deem a woman as being worthy of putting her feelings first.  And just because you have sex with him, does not mean that he has made up his mind that you are that woman yet.

A few pieces of sincere advice to all the ladies who have been through this.

If you have not yet had sex with a guy…….

You’re in good shape.  There is a very masterful art that you need to experiment with to get a guy to not flee after having sex.  It starts by not being so quick to sleep with him.  Let me repeat this ….  It starts by not being so quick to sleep with him.  Well…..what is too soon?  Now I am not going to nail down like a specific timeframe in terms of days but I will use Steve Harvey’s 90 day rule as a starting point.  (Wow…I am using Steve Harvey as a reference point..SMH)  I only mention this as a reference to make the point that there are A LOT of women out there who do not wait 90 days to sleep with a man who they have been seeing , communicating with or going out with on a consistent basis.  In the grand scheme of things 90 days is not a long time.  But for some reason many people don’t get to that point before they sleep together.  The rule of thumb that I would share with my daughter, if I had one, was to make sure that you wait until you really feel comfortable about a guy coming around to see you without the expectation of trying to make sexual advances.  Let me explain.  I you kiss a guy he can consider that 1st base.  Well guess what?  Progressively moving around the base path with a guy is a horrible idea!  Because with each encounter he wants to get to the next base and eventually cross home plate.  So when he leaves your house today after some heavy kissing and petting, he is expecting to get further the next time. And he has then attached and estimated time frame for when he should have hit it!  This is awful because when a guy establishes a time frame he is going to come over everyday with the expectation to get a little closer to his goal.  He is now completely driven sexually and no longer is really getting any closer to you as a person.  He just has his eyes on the prize at this point.  And afterwards he really does not know you well enough to say that he does not want to se anyone else.  I know it is hard to hold out.  Especially when other chicks are giving up the goods like free candy.  But make sure that he is coming around to get to know you and not just putting in work.

If you have already slept with him and see him pulling back…….

You are in a tougher spot but not without some hope.  If you feel a guy pulling back from you the number one thing that you cannot do is, show some sort of negative reaction or emotion.  Once you tip a guy off that you are affected by his conscious effort to draw back then nothing good happens from there.  Just be cool.  Don’t press him for his time.  Don’t call him any more than usual.  Don’t initiate contact with him any more than usual.  But when he decides to double back and continue to sleep with you, only do it at your convenience.  The common mistake that women make is no longer sleeping with a guy and making it an obvious sort of decision that you’ve made.  Men take such an action as a woman trying to force him to be with her exclusively.  And no guy is going to respond well to that sort of control tactic.  Just be more subtle about getting him to do what you want.  Don’t be available when he wants to come over.  If he wants to come over tonight for a nite-cap, tell him that you are busy but that he can come by two days later.  When he wants to have movie night dates on the couch, insist that you are tired of being cooped up and that you want to go someplace specific.  You pay if necessary.  But do not give him the impression that you are so overwhelmed by his company or his sex-game that you are like his puppet on a string.  But be subtle.  If you are in any way overt about purposely avoiding him sexually or not making yourself available to him then he will resent the idea that you are challenging him like that and things can just get too messy with people ego posturing with one another.  Don’t make him feel secure about how much you are into him if he is not making you feel secure about how much he is into you. 

A guy pulling back from a lady doesn’t mean that he is just using her or that he will not possibly find himself madly in love with a woman…..eventually.  It just means that he doesn’t know yet.  For guys sexual intimacy does not equate to relationship compatibility.  So he is just pulling back to find out what is what on his own terms and at his own pace.  Without a beautiful woman pressing him out.  Just be aware and protect yourself accordingly.  Because his slow time table might not match yours initially but taking a step back might make a lady see that other than a sexual attraction, there might not be a lot there it bind you to a lazy dullard with no career, who just happens to have broad shoulders and nice teeth.

@jacksonbracey

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