Single people sometimes talk too damn much! Myself included. We look at our married friends and we say the dumbest things from the outside looking in. We analyze what they are doing and what we would not be doing and then we say these condescending things about how much happier we are to be single. Sometimes I notice that we say these things so much that it is more of a defense mechanism for some folk’s unhappiness with their situation. But I hear one common mantra amongst some of my peers that has always seemed unnatural to me. My office mate at work is an attractive 30 something IT professional with a stable life and room for professional growth. She drives a nice car, has a comfortable home and really wants for nothing in monetary terms. She dates at her leisure and speaks very confusingly about the idea of marriage. On one hand she speaks admiringly about her younger sister’s life of marriage with a young child but on the other hand she turns right around and says that she can’t really see where she needs a guy in her life. I get that. It makes sense. She has carved out a very happy existence for herself without a special guy and she can’t see how a relationship would have any value added.
So it got me to thinking about how I feel about being needed. Having a woman need me, that is. I think that when women say that they don’t need a guy in their life that they mean it. But I also don’t think they mean it exactly the way that they say it either. I think that a lot of times they mean that they don’t need a man to tell them what to do. They don’t need a guy to pay their bills. They don’t need him to buy her shoes, clothes or to pay for her meals. I get that and I totally agree with it. That’s like me saying that I don’t need a woman to clean up after me. I don’t need her to cook for me and wash my dirty underwear. I don’t need her to pay my bills or wake me up for work. Those things are absolutely the truth. And as I think about it, when I hear older generations of people speak about relationships they sometimes include those types of elements in an explanation for their decisions. But that is not what I want a woman to need me for. And as I do think about how I am wired, I do need to be needed. If my lady doesn’t really need me then what’s the point? I need her to need my companionship. I want her to need my sense of humor. Need my love and affection. Need my shoulder to cry on when she is down and my applause to praise her when she is flying on top of the world. Those are the type of needs that I want to meet in a woman’s life.
I have honestly come to question people who call those who around them needy when they describe a reason as to why they can’t deal with someone. Guys saying, “Man she always needs me for something. Always pulling for my time”. Or women saying, “He can’t stand the fact that I don’t need him for anything”. To those people I say, be careful that you are clear with what you mean by those statements and understand that there is a certain amount of neediness in us all that we have to admit to in order to even meet the bare understanding of what a relationship is. I know sometimes we all need space. But if you want to be with someone who doesn’t need anything from you, then a relationship is not really what you want. And clearly not something that you are working towards getting.