I think that there are a lot of complex sorts of dynamics that make up the framework of relationships. Some of those really big and others of them really sort of frivolous. Or I guess I should say, “seem frivolous”. You don’t ever want to be to dismissive of what someone else is feeling. Those same feelings that are absurd to you may be someone else’s norm. For me, one of those simple dynamics is how I express my appreciation for the opposite sex. Now a lot of people like to laugh and joke with each other about how they have that “exception” person. For instance, Brad Pitt or Kobe Bryant might be your girlfriend’s one person that she has a free pass to fool around with if she had the chance. Or your boyfriend may be stuck on some obscure newscaster that he holds a “Get out of the doghouse for free card” for. It seems pretty silly and a lot of couples discuss this sort of stuff at nauseum. It reminds me of being a kid and watching Cliff Huxtable always making these adoring comments about Lena Horne. Really funny to me on television. But in real life…not so much.
When I am in a relationship for the most part I have a certain degree of tunnel vision. I am so focused on that person so much that I sort of don’t really see the distractions around me. Some of that can be attributed to me natural sense of puppy dog devotion but another very significant percentage of that is by design. I don’t want to put myself in a position where my admiration for someone else would pull any of my attention away from the woman I am with. Now obviously I see beautiful women around me, and I do indeed notice them.(This is DC for God’s sake! If you haven’t seen some distracting sights around here you’re either blind or gay) However on the rarest of occasions when I have allowed a crack in my tunnel vision, I have regretted it. Mainly because it opened up doors that I would rather see remain shut!
I don’t think that there is anything wrong or unhealthy about announcing that I think some other woman is attractive. A simple “Monica…she looks cute in this video”, should do just fine. No more. No less. But when I start sharing who my favorite attractions are with women who I date it makes me feel awkward. Like I am doing something wrong to her. Even when she asks for it. At least about half the women I have dated have fed me the whole, “You can tell me if you think she’s hot. I won’t get upset. There are a lot of guys who I’m attracted to”. (PAUSE. There are A LOT of guys who you think are WHAT? Hold-on…..we’ll come back to that.) At this moment I have to decipher whether or not this is a funny sharing moment or a “setting myself up for further torture moment”. I don’t want to hear her telling me every time we have an argument what I need to go get my celebrity crush to do for me. “Why don’t you ask that Suzie Homemaker bitch Angelina Jolie to bake you some brownies since I don’t cook enough”. “If you are so into that type of stuff why don’t you ask that little red-head Rihanna to dress sexy for you”. “Since you seem to be so into big asses, why don’t you go talk to mannish looking Serena Williams”. Sighhhh….all of these comments because I lost my focus and opened my big, fat mouth. And by opening my mouth the first time I’ve gotten comfortable enough to open it a second time….and a third. And a lot of women just aren’t comfortable with that. No woman wants to see me putting on a big show about rushing to the screen to watch every US Open match, after having told her that I think Serena Williams has a nice butt. I don’t need to be the first person in line to see the new Angelina Jolie movie on opening day after I confessed to being obsessed with her lips! And I might not want to turn up my radio every time Rude Boy comes on the radio after I admitted to having sexy dreams about Rihanna. It’s just doing too much. And it can’t help but make the woman I am with feel just a little bit uncomfortable with idea that when we are together that I have some sort of secret desire for someone else. One thing I give Heathcliff Huxtable credit for, is that while he fawned over the vision of Lena Horne performing for him, he stopped well short of, “Man I’d love to hit that.”
Now I can sit here and say that my reservation for expressing those sorts of feelings are all to keep the woman I am with happy but it’s not. It’s an attempt to keep the door closed on the reality of the desires that she may have that make me uneasy. I don’t want to hear my lady tell me about the plethora a guys that she finds attractive! Or more importantly what about them that she is attracted to. I know that Will Smith is taller than me….I know that McDreamy from Grey’s Anatomy has nicer eyes than me…I know that Shemar Moore has a better body than me…..and I know that Tiger Woods has more money than me. I just kinda hoped that you weren’t noticing. Or maybe that you weren’t into that. But of course you are. Who wouldn’t be?
I do believe that healthy communication is important and that over the life of a relationship there is nothing wrong with a little friendly conversation about “who’s hot and who’s not“. But if you can’t draw the line between, “He’s cute” and “Don’t let me catch him on the street“, then you are just asking for a certain level of insecurity to grow and fester. In my mind I carry this totally unjustified sense of cockiness that makes me feel like, minus the money and fame, that I can compete with any celeb for a hot chick. And judging by my past romances and some of the groupie love that Tiger Woods put on blast for the world, he’s go nothing on me! As a matter of fact I am leaving him on the driving range while I am shooting at The Master’s! But for some reason that fact doesn’t make me feel any better when it comes to her crushes. I just want to be uniquely appreciated. And having to know that she finds someone else equally handsome, equally smart, equally sexy or dare I say even more so, just sort of devalue’s that uniqueness. And crushes my little ego from ever believing that I am her ultimate.