I thought I would take this time to let you know just how much you are irritating the hell out of me. As I am sure that you have no idea what I am talking about, let me explain. My life is my own. And right now, I am doing the best I can to enjoy my life. I have goals professionally and a lot of improvements to make personally. And I do one day hope to get married. Maybe I will even give you those grandkids you so desperately ask me about. But please mama…just shut-up about it. I don’t need to hear you dropping hints about how old I’m getting. I was keeping count as of my last birthday. That membership you bought me to the Christian-Singles website, thanks…but no thanks. That wonderful article that you clipped out of the magazine and mailed to me about being past the marrying age was thoughtful, but…not exactly what I was hoping to read when I opened up a letter from you. And again I don’t want to seem ungrateful but please, please, please, stop trying to hook me up with women who you think are such a terrific catch. I don’t think you and I have exactly the same taste. As a matter of fact that last woman who approached me at church was so……so………let’s say so not cute, that I almost broke out into a full on sprint when she came waddling up to me and shouting my name after church.
You see, what you don’t understand is that people get married for different reasons today than they did generations ago. Single people today don’t always need a spouse to create a better life or lifestyle for themselves. So the love and attraction components are a wee bit more important in this generation. I know, I know…..I sound so foolish an immature to the way marriage really works. But if that is the case I think that maybe I should learn this lesson on my own. Cause marrying the homely girls with awkward tendencies and child-bearing hips from church just doesn’t seem to be my slice of pie.
And lastly I just have to say, I know that you really liked (insert name of any old girlfriend here). I did too. But it didn’t work out. And by you asking about her every time you see me, it only illuminates that point and further brings up the hard feelings? I know that you don’t mean any harm but what if I was really broken up about that. Do you really think I want to talk about it every time I see you? I hope that this letter is helpful and gives you a little perspective on why I ignore your inquiries into my personal life.
P.S. Please tell me that you have not been having lunch with my ex-girlfriend? Mama….When I break up with her, you break up with her. These are the rules. Learn them. Know them. Live them. Knock that silliness off.
Disclaimer: This is not a depiction of my mom. Well not exactly. My mother is much more subtle. But this is more so an amalgam of all the mothers of all my friends, men and women, and some of the craziness that is put on them actually by both parents. So feel free the copy this letter as a template and make changes in names and parents as needed.