People have a habit of presenting themselves as sympathetic characters in relationships when they come across with this sense of uncertainty. A lack of assurance. A general feeling that, they just don’t know what to do. And this is not some totally foreign concept. A lot of people can find themselves in a place where they are unsure about whether or not to move forward with someone or not. Whether they are being true to themselves or conforming to make someone else happy. Whether or not they are want to actually be with you or bluntly whether or not they think they should go out into the world and see if they can do better. This type of stuff literally happens. And that is not so much the problem. They problem occurs when you start to drag other people down your road of personal exploration.
When people say, I don’t know what I want right now, just know that they absolutely know what they don’t want……YOU. Or at least not the way that you want to be wanted. Which usually means exclusively. And the very notion that someone can be totally oblivious to their feelings and totally confused is more of a bullshit ruse to make themselves out to be a sympathetic character, more so than a legitimate personal crisis. And both men and women are absolutely guilty of this . Just under different circumstances.
When men tell a woman that they don’t really know what they want, it is usually not that they don’t know, but instead that they don’t know how to ask you for it. At least not without throwing a woman into a rage and making himself out to be a total pig.
Guys really want to say that….I like you a lot. Let me stress like. And I like you so much that I want to keep you around. But I reeeallllly don’t see you as being the last girl that I want to date. At least right now. So if it’s cool with you, then I would like to just carry on with you, no-strings attached , and we can see where this goes! Cool?! Oh by the way I am gonna keep dating other women too.
Now, most guys are not going to say that. And not just because they are afraid of hurting you but because they are pretty sure that you are gonna go through the roof! Not to mention how it will make him look, as a person, after word gets around that he actually propositioned a woman with something like that. (women spread the word like locusts through crops) And it is also a matter of effectiveness. He cannot approach the situation as just being some guy who wants to explore his carnal desires. He has to approach it in a way that makes his plight seem sympathetic. Using the emotional angle over the horny guy angle makes him seem more human and relatable. That’s why married guys don’t approach women saying I want to have an affair. They approach the situation with other women from a perspective of an emotional disconnect from their wife. And many women, being nurturing and sympathetic, go for it. We all know a lot of women who seem to be people of sound judgment, who can get roped into the emotional gymnastics when some guy starts to sell his impassioned sob story.
Now even though women are often propagated as the primary victims of the I Don’t Know what I want syndrome, they can be equally thoughtless as they do the same thing to the men that they date. They just approach the scenario in a different way. Women have a little more discretion and style when they do it. Or maybe I just feel that way because as I man I take more sympathy on the plight of women than I do with men when it comes to emotional issues. But women will keep the I’m so torn emotionally conversation to themselves until they absolutely have to say it. Almost til the point where they are running out of ways to stall a guy. They will just date two guys and totally not tell them. And while they don’t know what they want in specifically, they know what they want in general. They want the man who will provide the BBD. Bigger Better Deal. And they are just giving two or more guys the opportunity to separate themselves from the other suitors. So while she can’t say she knows what she wants in terms of these guys specifically she just knows that she will soak in all the attention until one of them just jumps over that highest hurdle and clears the bar by more than any of the other competitors.
Now myself, I am not into competing for women. At least not directly. If I happen to be in some sort of unspoken competition between myself and some other guy that a woman goes out with from time to time then so be it. But I am not going to know that she is dating someone else and continue to be my normal self with her. Because when you start to do that, you start to take more stock in the competition aspect as oppose to the prize that you are competing for. This can lead to wooing a woman for the sake of winning and then realizing that you really didn’t want her. Or just as bad, going outside of your norm to try to woo a woman and doing things that you can’t necessarily keep up, which never seems to work out well.
I’ve said it before and I will say it again. People are selfish. We will lie, leave out information, hide and deceive. All in the name of saving someone’s feelings or being uncertain about our own feelings. Which is normally another half truth as well. Grown-ups may not always know exactly what they want to a T. But they know enough about what they want to either work towards exploring it with one individual or enough to tell that person that You Ain’t it! But it is our desire to have people and use them for what we can get out of them. That which makes us comfortable….that drives us to conjure up this illusion of conflicting thoughts and feelings that we can blame our indecisiveness on, instead of blaming it on what the true root cause is. Our selfishness.