In general I like women who have solid opinions.  Well thought out ideas and something to say.  It is just cool to be able to talk to someone who you are physically into.  Cute girls with bright minds!  It just makes the connection that much stronger.  But we all have nerves that can definitely be plucked.  And so often times women just say some of the most odd things that just make me squirm in my seat to hear.  Not things like You make me sick! Or I Hate you! Simple things that women don’t realize get under a guys skin.

1.  We Need to Talk….. God I hate to her this sooo much.  Because even though these are the words that, according to all the movies, usually leads to the break-up conversation…. in the real world it usually doesn’t go down that way.  It’s been my experience that these words are the precursor to some conversation that is serious in intensity but very much a load of bull*&%$ in substance.  Jackson…we need to talk. Sure what’s the deal?  Meet me in the living room and have a seat. (at this point you already have me feeling like you’re my mother about to put me on punishment) Listen…this has been on my mind for a long time and I just wanted to tell you how I feel. Sure thing sweetie.  Tell me what’s wrong?  I just feel like when I stay over here you don’t hold me enough.  Hold you?  Yes Jackson.  We never Cuddle!

OH….MY…GOD…  Did you just give me the dramatic sit down conversation so that you could tell me that you want to cuddle more?  Please save the dramatic, Dr. Phil, sit down moments for something serious.  You had my heart racing like you were about to tell me that you hated my guts or something.

2.  Tell Me Something Good? Now at one point I felt like this was some sort of trendy and cute line that women saw in a movie that they wanted to share with the world.  It seemed like every girl was saying this shit.  And I was at a loss for anything to say.  Well…..scratch that.  I knew what to say is suppose.  My Uncle use to always say to me when I was a kid.  Jackson!  What you know good?!  And I would proceed to tell him about my day and what I did at school.  Because my uncle really wanted to know.  But the first time a woman told me to Tell Her Something Good, I don’t think she appreciated my answer….at all. I told her that I had made some head way with my job and that I talked to my grandmother and that she was doing well and that was great news.  She looked at me with this cold scowl that made me think she was going to crack my head open with the napkin dispenser that sat on the table.  You know damn well that’s not what I meant Jackson. She scared the hell out of me and I quickly traced my words to see if I had let something offensive slide out.

I came to understand that when women asked me that question that anything short of my personal declaration of love and devotion towards her would not be satisfactory.  And I can only get really sincere with my words in that way when I am completely into a woman.  So you can, I’m sure,  imagine how many times first dates didn’t turn into second dates when I was giving answers like……I like your shirt.

3. What’s your sign? Now I have gone back and forth with this over the last few years because suddenly I have been bombarded with a lot of people who I respect who are into astrology.  I even had an adviser in college who perfectly pegged my astrological sign before he knew when my birthday was because as he said…I fit the Leo Profile.  When did this become cool?  I can always remember that being classified as part of a corny pick-up line routine that usually had guys striking out.  But times are certainly changing and I would be lying if I haven’t been told certain things about astrology that I have found to be a little…………..intriguing.  However, when I meet a woman and that is one of the first things out of her mouth I can’t help but think of her as some sort of weirdo, hippy, freak who matches up personalities and compatibility based on how bright the Big Dipper is sparkling that night.  Please ladies…work with me.  I am flexible…but ease me into that weirdo shit.  Don’t throw it at me right after I tell you my name.  I don’t say anything when it happens but it light-weight freaks me out.

4.  I’m Fine/Nothing’s the matter *sigh*   How many times has every man heard this in his life?  Too many to count.  And no man ever knows the right way to handle this situation.  When anyone is ever upset, as a friend, you should always ask them what’s going on.  What’s on their mind?  Allow them to let off a little steam to help them out.  But if they say nothing, then you can’t really do any more……or so I thought. Sometimes ladies want you to push a little harder to allow them to reveal their displeasure.  However,  if you do, you run the risk of her feeling like you are badgering her.  But if you go the route that I normally go, which is to ask once and then leave it alone, then you really just don’t give a damn! OOOOHHHH GOD….Please save me! I really want to be helpful.  I really, really do.  But when I hear a woman give me the I’m Fine/Nothing’s the Matter, I really wish I could just retreat int a whole and hide until you feel better because I can’t help but get the impression that no matter how I respond that it won’t get the job done.

5.  Am I getting fat?  Do these pants make me look big?  Would you still like me if I gained weight? Any time you are dealing with a woman who has her own personal weight issues or hair issues you just better strap on your seat belt and hope for the best because there is not a scarier roller coaster ride in the world.  I admit that I do like women who are somewhat fit.  And fit can go from being a skinny girl to a thick girl.  Just as long as you have some measure of curves that show a piece of a womanly frame, then that is cool with me.  It is just that I cannot answer these sorts of questions about a woman’s weight well enough to make her feel good.  Like the whole Would you still like me if I gained weight question.  The simple answer is this.  Of course I would baby….but I have to be honest.  The fact that you went out and bought a pair of Spanx to control your mid section as oppose to exercising or putting down the chocolate cake is a little bit scary.  I am going to like you either way but please don’t take that to mean that I don’t want you to look fit and healthy.  It’s the taking my devotion for granted part that might bother me.  Not the extra 20 lbs.

When I say that to women I have dated, all they seem to hear is So you think I’m a  fat pig who eats too much cake?  My mother made me that cake for my birthday!  Jackson you are an asshole! I can’t even begin to fix my words in a way to make what I want to say not be offensive so I just hope and pray that she never says anything to me about her weight.  She has me shook to bring it up myself.