It is really amazing how things change with age.  There was a time when I was young that dating a girl who had little to no experience was some sort of prize.  It seemed to be linked to chastity and purity and all of the other things that as a teenager you think are super important.  And those things have certainly not gone out of style.  Men still value chastity and purity.  Just not to the extreme.  People are waiting a lot longer to get married these days so it makes for an interesting single life to say the least. And the days of people being virgins upon getting married at 21 are long gone for many.  But for some, the strength and will to hold onto what they hold most sacred in their young lives is still quite admirable.  However, to a lot of people, it just doesn’t make them the most desirable.

I don’t know a man  who would diss a woman for being a 30-year-old virgin.  I am sure that there are men in the world like that, but since I don’t really roll with disrespectful circus clowns I really do not know anyone who would fit that mold.  For a  woman to be a virgin and out of her 20’s is remarkable for several reasons.  One, is that she has not been overwhelmed or swayed by a young man in her life who has undoubtedly tried to sweet talk her out of her panties.  And trust me, unless a woman looks like Flavor Flav in a  dress or she just refuses to date, she has at one time or another come in contact with a smooth talking Lothario whose intention was to conquer her virtue.  Secondly, is that she somehow has just not met the right guy.  Maybe she has just had the poor misfortune of consistently dating the low-life, limited appreciation for a lady, rough around the edges sort of guy that was just not worthy of giving something special too.  Third…the commitment to a religious teaching that says that sex is sacred and should be saved for marriages.  Some people still actually try to stay close to their faith and no one can really criticize that sort of decision.  And the final and most overbearing, is the over sexualized nature of  our culture.  From hearing people shout sexual references across the metro stations, to hearing the over-sexed music to seeing the images of half-naked people in the most provocative of poses…..sex is everywhere.  And it is very difficult for someone to not be drawn to follow the direction that our culture seems to promote.  (Have you ever walked down the Vegas strip or been on Bourbon Street in New Orleans?  They might as well lay out mattresses and condoms in the alley ways for some of the things that I have seen take place on the street.) So being an adult Virgin is about as likely in today’s culture as being Pro-Choice Republican.  You’re out there….but you’re not the easiest thing to find.

But while guys have a lot of respect for women who have remained “pure” into their adult life, we can at times shy away from it.  And not for some of the cliché’ reasons that women many think.  Women believe that men want a woman who is experienced because no one wants to have to deal with a lame sexual partner.  (Newsflash ladies….being with a woman with limited  experience has one HUGE perk for guys.  Having nothing to compare us to allows us to feel more secure that you can’t really tell how bad we might suck at it) And there is some truth to that but I maintain that it is a very small truth because guys are more concerned with frequency and experimentation than they are talent and skill.  You are more so prone to find a man not want to take on the responsibility of the serious committment that an adult woman who is a virgin is many times looking for.  When a guy meets a woman who is an adult virgin, he assumes that she is waiting for marriage and that is just not the most realistic thing for a lot men or women to want to wait for in our culture.  Hell, I know some guys who start the 21 day clock starting at the first date.  If the deal isn’t sealed in that time for some guys they are on to the next one!  But for single men who are dating, looking for a serious relationship and possibly working toward marriage, meeting a virgin who wants to be in a serious relationship is a good thing……right? Sad to say…not necessarily.

I don’t think that it is a stretch to say that sex is important to men.  And in all fairness, it is important to a lot of women as well.  And meeting an adult virgin screams out something very serious for a lot of people………..No Sex Drive.  This is a very legitimate concern for guys.  Men know that sex isn’t everything.  And at some point in our lives it will become embarrassingly insignificant as we tried to hide the shame when we face that moment of erectile dysfunction that affects over 18 million men.  But until that time approaches we desire healthy and active sex lives.  And being an adult virgin calls into question just how much you really want to do it?  How much of a sincere desire you have to be sexually active.  As a man, am I going to have to constantly beg for sex?  Are you going to be the type to give me pity sex and be totally disconnect from the act?  Am I going to always have to initiate?  Will my life be relegated to scheduling Wednesday night sessions after the 10 o’clock news?  These are the concerns that men have about being involved with not just a virgin but a woman who seems to not be very sensual or sexual.  It is just an uneasiness that arises as a man thinks to himself….If I am barely getting it now, what’s it going to be like a couple of years down the road?  Or better yet, when we get married?  YIKES!

Being a virgin is nothing to be ashamed of.  I cannot express how much respect I have for someone who has managed to hold on to a personal conviction that has brought you to this place in your adult life.  And in no way do I mean to besmirch the very noble identity that you have carved out for yourself as an adult.  I just want you to know what sort of stigmas are out there in the dating world for you.  Stigmas that may not be glaringly obvious.  Because things change.  And what was a turn on to me at 18 is not quite the same turn on at 30.  And not that a woman should live her life in such a way as to turn on men, but it is important to know that at some point you are going to have to convince the man you want to be with that you are even capable of being turned on yourself.

@jacksonbracey

Jackson.Bracey@gmail.com

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