This day started out like any other.  Alarm went off at 6:40 as the sun kept beaming through my shades.  Of course as per usual, I kept hitting the snooze button until about 7:20 to steal those last few minutes of sleep.  Finally I had to roll out of bed as my phone kept buzzing with text messages from miscellaneous people talking about miscellaneous nonsense.  I rolled out of bed and with almost assembly line precision I was able to brush my teeth, shower, and get dressed and be walking out the door in roughly about 35 minutes.  Not one of my personal best times but it put me in a position to only be about 30 minutes late to work.

It was a scorcher in DC today.  The radio DJ’s were talking about heat advisories and breathing conditions and staying hydrated and a bunch of other stuff I was only partially listening too as I glided through the city with my air conditioner on high.   And while I was cooler than an ice cube in Alaska, I could see how the heat was already taking control outside.  A lot of people fanning themselves trying to keep away the morning sweat as they wait at the bus stop to be saved by an air-conditioned seat.  Kids that are normally energetic bustling through the street are nowhere to be found.  Even the birds that are usually at the park that I pass on the way to work are conspicuously missing.  8:26 AM……91 degrees!

The atmosphere around people always seems to be very much in flux when the weather is hot.  I notice that people either get very flirty or very grouchy in the heat.  Always transitioning from one to the other depending on when they step inside to the cold or outside into the sauna.  So those addicts who just have to go outside for that regular smoke go outside and get grumpy only to almost immediately bring that sweaty body into the cold air and look people up and down like a piece of meat.  It just seems that sexual arousal is somehow strangely connected to the intense heat.  sweaty bodies must turn some of y’all on!

But later for my own theories.  Back to my story of violation.  As I walked up to my building I noticed a couple of ladies that I used to work with outside chit chatting.  Older ladies.  Close to 50-55 I would suspect.  Very friendly and super helpful to me when I first came on board the contract where I was working with them for about 8 months.  They always inquired about how things were going and offered up general advice in dealing with some of the people on the floor.  Occasionally stopping by on Mondays to ask me about my “exciting single weekends”.  I always assumed that they were both divorced because they spoke occasionally about their kids and neither of them had wedding rings on.  Maybe that was just my naivety and general sense of family thinking that made me even assume that they were ever married.  But they were cool.  Never really took them as the COUGAR types.  But this morning these chicks borderline lost there minds.  After making a pit stop in the convenience store in the lobby to pick up a bottle of water and a pack of Twizzlers I was able to squeeze into the crowded elevator before I was caught on the outside of the closing door.  Normally when the elevator is crowded I will just slide over to a corner in the back and hold my own space.  I get off on the 9th floor of a 12 story building so not to often do people have to go any higher than me.  I am usually the last to get off the elevator on a crowded day.    But today because the elevator was crowded and I was not able to get on first I had to stand in front of the two ladies from my old job. 

I said the obligatory excuse me’s and slid right into a spot in front of the both of them.  Glanced over each shoulder and gave a quick hello.  I am not one for major small talk when I am on a crowded elevator.  Especially one as slow-moving as this one.  It seemed like the elevator had to stop on each floor which only made the ride even more unbearable. 

Anyone who has ever had to stand on a crowded elevator realizes that there will be some less than comfortable moments when you are standing much to close to someone else.  Total strangers…other men…pregnant ladies with bellies you cannot avoid.  And you have to negotiate your space as best as you can without encroaching on someone else’s space.  But while you might be the type to follow elevator etiquette and protocol you always have a few people who are interested in copping a cheap feel. 

The elevator shifted and despite my best effort, I was jolted back a couple of inches and the back of on of the ladies hands brushed against my ass.  Now I know it was the back of her hands because I could feel her jewelry.  No big deal.  I said excuse me and just figured I would brace myself a little bit better at the next sudden jolt.  I mean, better I shift back on the ladies than I hug the fat guy in front of me. 

Strangely this elevator today stopped on each floor.  And jolted hard on each floor.  Serious maintenance was required!  But as I was able to better brace myself and hold my stance, all of a sudden the two women behind me couldn’t hold their spot even though they were standing with their backs against the very back wall of the elevator.  

So I know what you are saying.  

Jackson….don’t be such a stick in the mud!  So what the ladies bumped into you.  It’s an elevator!  That doesn’t mean they were feeling you up.

To that I would ask, does it seem a little peculiar to you once I tell you that instead of feeling the back of their ring studded hands on my ass, that for every stop all the way to the 9th floor that I was now feeling the PALM of their hands?!  Really.  These two older women, on the elevator, were taking turns bumping into my backside with their palms up and cupping directly on my ass.  Think about how awkward it is to stand with your hands cupped in front of you.  Who does that as a natural stance?!  Go ahead……I’ll wait for your response…………………………………

Now do I have reason to feel a little weird?

Oh…..Did I mention that they both work on the 5th floor but rode the elevator all the 9th floor where I worked?

What makes this even wilder to me is that I think they both alternated feels!  I tried to move around a couple of times but not many people where getting off the elevator.  Apparently there was some sort of All Hands meeting on the 12th flor. 

Listen….I may or may not have copped a cheap feel a time or two in my life as a young college kid huddled in a crowded line for some sweat box party in the middle of November.  But the difference between that and this is that I was like 19!!  Not approaching retirement age!  WTH?!?!? 

I wonder if I would have been so put off by this if the two women were hot?  Maybe I am so grossed out because I have never really had older women respond to me like this.  Does this mean that I am officially old?  I mean just a couple of years ago it seemed like every young girl in town thought I was some sort of sex symbol.  (not every girl….. More like 4 or 5.  4.   I think it was 4.  yeah…4.  OK, OK it was 2 young women and a litte 12 year old from church who made me a valentine’s card!  Damn!)  Have I transferred over to the senior citizen crowd just that quickly?

I still maintain that the heat has something to do with this!  Maybe these menopausal women where in the midst of a hot flash and something in the cold elevator air that triggered that sort of response in them.  Maybe this won’t happen in the winter time.  Yeah!  That’s it.  It’s the heat! 

I think I would rather believe that than to believe that I am old enough in age or appearance to be appealing to some chicks old enough to have daughters of a more appropriate dating age.