“Bag lady, you gone hurt your back….dragging all those bags like that“. I love that song. I actually really like Erykah Badu. She comes across as pretty strange and crazy at times but I believe that she has a very thoughtful perspective which I think really appeals to me. In her hit song Bag Lady she speaks to her fellow sisters about the constant lamenting over past disappointments in relationships. And how that lamenting makes men run away from them like the plague. Everytime I hear that song it makes me think about a buddy of mine who still holds on to the heartbreak and disappointment that he faced when he was a college sophomore. He was so into his girlfriend. Almost to a sickening degree. Sickening to us a college sophomores but looking back on it now he was just being sincere. Unfiltered with his feelings. Unashamed to hold her hand or claim her on campus. His feelings were too pure to be jaded with thoughts of reservation or bravado. So when she was found to be sleeping with the local big shot on the side he was devastated. And over a dozen years later he still carries that sting. Not in the way he did back then. No longer does he carry this cold gaze when he looks at women or dismissive tone when a woman smiles at him. But instead as a grown man he has shown virtually no signs of being able to carry on a substantial relationship. One that he will allow himself to enjoy without the constant defensive perspective that he takes. Sure, he might pay for dinner and even open a car door. But he will never openly claim any sort of feelings or relationship beyond the category of physical gratification. And if a woman over steps her bounds, or better yet his bounds, she can cancel Christmas because she gets put on the short list for dismissal. His perspective is dark. Blackened with hurt feelings and hardened by pain of his abused heart. And I no longer no what to tell him. The one saving grace in his scenario is that he makes no bones about acknowledging his abnormal perspective. He openly tells women that he wants nothing serious and just intends to date casually. And in that sense at least he is not misleading anyone in the way that he was once mislead. But unlike him there are many who walk around still with the expectation of having something happen for them in their relationship search, all the while holding on to the eternal skepticism and lingering doubt about whether or not the object of their affections is unworthy….dishonest….a liar….a player…..a wolf in sheep’s clothing….. or any number of superlatives that would suggest only the worst of who someone is. That youthfully fresh perspective gone from our mind. From our essence. No longer innocent. Forever doubtful. As written in 1 Corinthians 13……For now we see through a glass, Darkly….
People should never be naive about the pitfalls of being involved with folks in a dating capacity. The world is filled with opportunists. People who are entirely self-serving. Men and women of low compassion and integrity. But the world is also balanced by people of sincerity, tenderness and honor. People who don’t deserve to be questioned and scrutinized because of the baggage that we carry. The most flustering dynamic of the situation is trying to get those scarred and bruised skeptics to understand that as long as they are carrying around that Samsonite Luggage that they will never attract that quality person that is going to be able to be good to and for them. Why would a woman want to take on a man’s committment issues and be the one to break down his walls and barriers? Wouldn’t it be more fair for her to just get a guy who doesn’t have the same hang-ups? And what guy really wants to be a womans superhero and save her from her lifetime of all men are dogs mentality? He would be better off just getting a woman with a fresh perspective. A car with a few less miles. One that doesn’t squeal quite so much when you hit the brakes or leak as much oil and water when you put it in park.
None of us are perfect. And our experiences make us who we are. The good and the bad. But when the bad have become some strong that they guide our outlook on the world, it is time for us all to take a step back and take control of where we want our lives to go. Are we content with letting the worst of our experiences becoming our reality? Or do we make an effort to let go of the negativity that has caused us such pain. And the million dollar question that we all have to ask is, who in the hell is really going to want to put up with you and your skepticism and trust issues?
Think about it……