Why won’t he call me back?
I know he isn’t trying to play me!
What’s up with this guy?
People hear this a lot. A perplexed lady trying to figure out why a once hot friend has now cooled. A guy that a woman involves herself with and ultimately becomes intimate with, suddenly stops being super attentive once she goes into the Tommie Strong book with a GTD entry next to her name. (Got The Drawers) But why? He was stalking your whole life when he was pursuing you. He was responding to texts messages right away. Always available to you whenever you called. Eager to take you out to be in your company. He even kept your email box full with daily conversation while you were at work. Now he suddenly is to busy to elaborate in his emails the way he once did. You get call backs instead of pick-ups when you call him. And instead of calling you to take you out he is calling to come over……late at night. What’s up with that?!
It is easy to see why women get annoyed with this sort of behavior out of guys. How are you gonna lead someone to a point of ascension in a “relationship” and then just all of a sudden fall off the map. Well part of the issue is the difference in looking at intimacy as a point of ascension while a guy sees it as a Climax. For guys sex is the actual climax. While for a lot of women, the climax is moving forward into this new space of relationship bliss is the climax. So while the guy is tapering off and settling into what he hopes to be a comfort zone, she is looking to re-fill the tank and soar to new heights! If it makes ladies feel any better to know this I will share with you that guys feel this withdraw too sometimes. It just comes before the intimacy part. It is not uncommon for guys to be sent into a bit of an emotional spiral when they suddenly get ignored by a woman who seemed to be responding to his advances for a couple of weeks. It happens all the time. Ladies are by for the most beautifully confusing and sometimes fickle creatures on the Earth. A woman can go from feigning some sort of sincere interest in a guy to totally ducking him out like he’s a Jehovah Witness bringing the Holy message to your doorstep. The major difference is that women have given up something more in their emotional disconnect than a man who has really just had a bruise to his ego and a slight emotional confusion that he will certainly recuperate from.
It always tickles me to hear ladies speak to why a guy pulls back from an association. I hear all sorts of incorrect assessments that are always some sort of defense mechanism response that is programmed out of an instant reaction to shelter our egos. Even my closest friend who happens to be a woman, used to say that a guy who pulled back from her once was Scared of his emotions and Afraid to make a committment because of his view of relationships………….. Riiiiigggggghhhhhtttttt. (in my Doctor Evil voice). The truth is that guys are not afraid of commitments or afraid of our emotions. That is just some bullshit that we tell women to keep them at bay. Put ourselves in a position to be pitied and not hated or resented. What guys are actually afraid of is getting into a relationship that we are not certain about. Moving too soon. Jumping out the window and getting with a woman just because they had sex. For guys sex is not a guarantee that they want to be with you in a greater capacity. Unfortunately for women, guys have a feeling that as soon as we have sex she is going to expect us to be a couple. Now as convoluted as that thinking is in some sense, it is quite accurate in some instances. And that’s why guys run the disappearing act for a few weeks. His point is to slow down this gravy train to a more acceptable pace. His control mechanism kicks in and he is watching your reactions like a hawk. Don’t think that he’s not.
He’s watching to see how attached you become. Do you react in a flustered or tense manner when he pulls back from you? Do you blow up his phone or keep texting him when you don’t get a response? He notices all that. And most importantly are you still going to be accepting of continuing a physical relationship. Because as of right now, that is as far as he wants to take the relationship.
Now guys aren’t animals. They are not evil creatures. They are just doing what people do. They are thinking exclusively of themselves up until the point that they deem a woman as being worthy of putting her feelings first. And just because you have sex with him, does not mean that he has made up his mind that you are that woman yet.
A few pieces of sincere advice to all the ladies who have been through this.
If you have not yet had sex with a guy…….
You’re in good shape. There is a very masterful art that you need to experiment with to get a guy to not flee after having sex. It starts by not being so quick to sleep with him. Let me repeat this …. It starts by not being so quick to sleep with him. Well…..what is too soon? Now I am not going to nail down like a specific timeframe in terms of days but I will use Steve Harvey’s 90 day rule as a starting point. (Wow…I am using Steve Harvey as a reference point..SMH) I only mention this as a reference to make the point that there are A LOT of women out there who do not wait 90 days to sleep with a man who they have been seeing , communicating with or going out with on a consistent basis. In the grand scheme of things 90 days is not a long time. But for some reason many people don’t get to that point before they sleep together. The rule of thumb that I would share with my daughter, if I had one, was to make sure that you wait until you really feel comfortable about a guy coming around to see you without the expectation of trying to make sexual advances. Let me explain. I you kiss a guy he can consider that 1st base. Well guess what? Progressively moving around the base path with a guy is a horrible idea! Because with each encounter he wants to get to the next base and eventually cross home plate. So when he leaves your house today after some heavy kissing and petting, he is expecting to get further the next time. And he has then attached and estimated time frame for when he should have hit it! This is awful because when a guy establishes a time frame he is going to come over everyday with the expectation to get a little closer to his goal. He is now completely driven sexually and no longer is really getting any closer to you as a person. He just has his eyes on the prize at this point. And afterwards he really does not know you well enough to say that he does not want to se anyone else. I know it is hard to hold out. Especially when other chicks are giving up the goods like free candy. But make sure that he is coming around to get to know you and not just putting in work.
If you have already slept with him and see him pulling back…….
You are in a tougher spot but not without some hope. If you feel a guy pulling back from you the number one thing that you cannot do is, show some sort of negative reaction or emotion. Once you tip a guy off that you are affected by his conscious effort to draw back then nothing good happens from there. Just be cool. Don’t press him for his time. Don’t call him any more than usual. Don’t initiate contact with him any more than usual. But when he decides to double back and continue to sleep with you, only do it at your convenience. The common mistake that women make is no longer sleeping with a guy and making it an obvious sort of decision that you’ve made. Men take such an action as a woman trying to force him to be with her exclusively. And no guy is going to respond well to that sort of control tactic. Just be more subtle about getting him to do what you want. Don’t be available when he wants to come over. If he wants to come over tonight for a nite-cap, tell him that you are busy but that he can come by two days later. When he wants to have movie night dates on the couch, insist that you are tired of being cooped up and that you want to go someplace specific. You pay if necessary. But do not give him the impression that you are so overwhelmed by his company or his sex-game that you are like his puppet on a string. But be subtle. If you are in any way overt about purposely avoiding him sexually or not making yourself available to him then he will resent the idea that you are challenging him like that and things can just get too messy with people ego posturing with one another. Don’t make him feel secure about how much you are into him if he is not making you feel secure about how much he is into you.
A guy pulling back from a lady doesn’t mean that he is just using her or that he will not possibly find himself madly in love with a woman…..eventually. It just means that he doesn’t know yet. For guys sexual intimacy does not equate to relationship compatibility. So he is just pulling back to find out what is what on his own terms and at his own pace. Without a beautiful woman pressing him out. Just be aware and protect yourself accordingly. Because his slow time table might not match yours initially but taking a step back might make a lady see that other than a sexual attraction, there might not be a lot there it bind you to a lazy dullard with no career, who just happens to have broad shoulders and nice teeth.