What does it take to keep that intense passion running through your veins as relationships go from weeks, to months to years?  To always have that butterfly sensation that you have when you first meet someone.  It’s tough to maintain.  For myself, I have come to just value smiles, comfort and conversation.  The highs and lows are cool at times but to maintain a comfortable flying altitude seems to be better for my mind.  Easier on my heart.  But a lot of people are so wrapped up into the thralls of intense passion that sometimes they seek it out.  Hunt for it.  Contrive situations to turn up the fire.  Create moments of drama that send you through the flames of disgust in the hopes that it brings you back to a pool of passion.  Drama…..  Maybe I am lazy but I wanna just jump right into the passion pool.  Skip the flaming fires of arguments, jealousy and accusations that so many people are enticed by.  Or maybe I am not lazy but just afraid of what that sort of behavior leads to.  Me being on edge and never being comfortable.  Never relaxed.  Always intense about what is being said to me and how I should interpret it.  Having to mull over every single word that I say for fear that she will perceive it as me trying to start some sort of argument.  It is like building a house on shaky ground in earthquake territory.  Whenever a shaking moment of discontent comes through the potential for a collapse is there.

I have always believed that when you start to get comfortable allowing drama into your life, it is like opening a flood gate that is never-ending.  When you start to tolerate things for the sake of passion or spice in your relationship you are almost playing with emotions that you cannot control.  Looking into a girlfriend’s phone and challenging her on all the names of guys that you do not know is dangerous.  Yeah, it might spark a heated argument that evolves into her feeling like her man is “jealous” in a sexy way, to rolling around on the floor in a passionate embrace as emotions flow into the break up sex, but then what?  I mean, how many times can I pull the phone thing with her before it gets lame?  Three…maybe four times?  What do I do next?  We elevate to breaking into each others emails?  We pop up at each others house with some convoluted story about suspicions of catching someone over there?  It’s just exhausting.  Stressful.  Immature.  And not the sort of immaturity that is attached to age.  But more so a way of thinking.  And changing a way of thinking is more than a notion.  For a lot of us it is damn near impossible.  So the thought of always being into the high-intensity drama that creates some level of perceived “excitement” can very well be a death sentence for a relationship.

Sadly I think that sometimes my patience will walk hand in hand with this sort of “excitement”and lead me to my grave.  I say that in the sense that I do not believe that it is righteous of me to be with someone and let them go even if they are bad for me in some ways.  I believe it to be my responsibility to make it right.   A good lady friend of mine told me that guys have this mentality that makes them feel like they are supposed to “fix shit“.  HA….  I laughed at her dismissively but she is right.  I know I feel that pressure to make things right sometimes.  Like I have not done my part if I cannot make the drama go away.  If I cannot make the suspicions stop.  And while I would never want to change my sense of responsibility in the role that I play in my personal relationships, I can see where I can just get locked into making unchangeable situations better.  I like to win……  and feel like I made something better.  My bad……..  No really….  My bad.  That same sort of thinking can make it easy for someone to be in those sorts of drama driven relationships that I was talking about.  And the only way that I have ever really been able to dodge that sort of stuff is that I never enter relationships lightly.  I don’t go out on a couple of dates and then claim a woman as exclusively mine.  I take my time to a point that is probably also a little skewed and weird, but it has kept me from some of the horror stories that other people talk about.  I never had a woman key my car or break my stuff.  I have never had a woman stalk my life or try to trick me into marrying her……..(How someone can trick you into that is a pretty interesting scenario that I will tell you about later).  So all in all I think I have had a decent balance.  But the walk is indeed a balance for sure.  Because I know me.  And I know I just have it in me to be one of those guys who falls in love with some woman who is 65% great and 35% crazy with that crazy percentage growing by the year.  And not having the mindset that would allow me to bail out on a bad situation.  So as much as I try my best to stay away from drama with my slow-paced screening process, no one is immune to getting into a spot like that.  One that you just won’t let go of.

Thusly I am pretty sure that with modern medicine and a healthy lifestyle that can push myself to breathe air on this earth til I am about 75.  77 max.  Because while drama might have its highs the lows are much more devastating.  Loss of sleep.  Nervous feelings.  Blood pressure spikes……  Oh yeah.  That will probably be me.  It is just my luck overall.  Because while some woman with a suitcase full of emotions is taking me through the roller coaster I am foolish enough to think that I am making a difference and improving something.  And maybe I am.  F*%# it!  I know I am.  But improvement doesn’t come without a price that I will probably willingly accept.  A few extra years off my life.  I guess the drama has to end somewhere…

jackson.bracey@gmail.com

@jacksonbracey

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