Am I wrong is really an ode to my man George Costanza…… One of my favorite episodes of Seinfeld was when George got caught having sex with the cleaning lady on desk in his office! And when confronted with the whole salacious situation he paused and looked at his supervisor with the question…. Was that Wrong? Should I not have done that? I gotta plead ignorance on this one….
So this is a running joke between my friends and I as we throw that catch phrase around about different things that we don’t like or things that we have a weird aversion to. Almost the same way everyone laughs when someone says something slightly sexual in a non-sexual context and Michael Scott on the Office shouts out, That’s What She Said! Me: So….how was the CPA exam you took yesterday. Friend: Oh Gosh, it was soooo hard and super long! Me: That’s what she said!!! Get it? (not the joke but that I am slightly corny)
I met a lady the other day who had MAN hands and when she reached her hand out to me and said, “Hi my name is Daysia”, once her hand touched mind I gave her the head nod and said, What Up! Normally I don’t introduce myself to women like that but I guess my brain clicked and I gave her the MAN introduction because the rough callouses and ashy knuckles instantly mad me think construction worker Dave. Was I wrong…….?
A lady who I have known for a fairly long time tried to put the moves on me Friday. I know some of you might ask, Well JB, how do you know she was making a move? Good Question! I think the attempts at faking her drunkenness and falling all over me in her apartment were pretty clear indicators. And if that was not enough, coming out of her bathroom in her undies pretty much sealed the deal! Now immediately I knew that I didn’t need to be there and that I needed to make an exit stage left as soon as possible. Hell! I was only there to kill a little time in the city before I met with some buddies to go someplace else. Couple that with the fact that I didn’t need shorty like that and I just would never want to deal with the sort of headache that would have come from her, after jumping her bones. All in all it was a tough spot for me so I had to think fast. So I could have just said no, you’re drunk, blah blah…. but I didn’t do that because I knew damn well she wasn’t really drunk. Then I thought about sitting her down and saying the honest truth. That I don’t really need you like that and this is just not something that I am into. But my life experience tells me that when you give a woman that level of honesty about something like that, it never goes your way. That shit is just not received well and I have witnessed and experienced a myriad of bad things that happen afterwards when a woman gets rejected on that level. So what could I do???? Wellll……. I tried to walked past her into the bathroom. She grabbed my waist and pulled herself into me so I just immediately wrapped my arms around her firmly and buried my face into her neck. That’s my tactic to not create enough space for her to kiss me. So as she tries to slide her hands into places that might have caused trouble, I break away and tell her I have to get to the bathroom. So my mind goes into panic mode! But thank Jesus for my quick settings on my Evo! I set an alarm for exactly 3 minutes and changed it to match my ringtone. So when I walked out and she is on the couch in her undies I have a convenient excuse to step away. Not to mention I send out this scary ass text to 3 friends and told them to start blowing my phone up. So in addition to the 1 minute snooze setting on my phone and the 2 friends that started to blow up my phone ( the 3rd one left me hanging. His sorry ass!), I had consistent ringing on my phone that came through with a furious flurry. You see if the phone rings once, someone expects you to turn it off. But if it rings repeatedly like that then it says that something is wrong. And thank you Jesus, that was exactly what she said after it rang for the fourth time. So finally on the fifth time I answer it and the stranded car wrecked friend who is being taken to Holy Cross hospital story all just came out. And Tahdahhhhh… That’s how I was able to escape the violation to my spirit that was surely about to happen. And once she was fully clothed and not able to fake her drunkenness, she sort of backed off of the whole thing entirely as though it didn’t happen. Which to me says that she kind of figured out that the whole situation was a charade and an easy way for me to bow out gracefully and allow her to not get the rejection treatment. But when she saw me a week later at a party that we were both attending she gave me this look. This look that said, I am embarassed, you are a fucking jerk, and God I just wish that never happened all at the same time…. And it made me ask………Was I wrong?
In general I try to be as gentlemanly as possible with people. Not just with woman but men as well. I think that putting out positive vibes and energy to people only helps them to do the same thing moving ahead with other people. Almost like that insurance commercial where all these random people pay it forward by helping someone else after they have been helped previously in the day. But this one day I’d had enough of people not saying thank you or acknowledging my efforts. I was in bumper to bumper traffic and let this guy in who didn’t acknowledge me with a wave. I held the elevator for this lady right before it was about to close, only to have her spill some of her coffee on my shirt and not say excuse me. So I was pretty done at this point. So when I finally got out of work I went right across the street to grab a bite to eat because I was tired, hungry and not trying to jump right into DC traffic and get road rage after the day I had. So I get to the bar and I order my food. I immediately get annoyed by two loud ass people who bump my chair at the bar on the way to their seat! Now seriously people at this point my day is going poorly and I would have seriously maybe instigated a situation just to beat the breaks off of these two people if they were men. But being a member of the fairer sex definitely served these two wildebeest broads an order of protection on this day. So I just eat my food at the bar. I even had a drink! Which I never do. And as I am watching SportsCenter I have a pretty clear view of what is going on in the back because of the way the restaurant was set up. So I watch my food come out, and I have no doubt in how it was prepared because I am pretty nice to the people there since I go often. Plus I tip well. But I notice as the food for the two wildebeests comes out that the waitress is fighting back a sneeze. So she put the tray down and then……nothing. So she picks it up and starts to come around the back hall again and then EXXXPLOSIONNNNN! I mean no time to react and no time to put down the tray…. She just sprayed what would be the trough of the wildebeests! So I know you guys are say…. No Jackson! You mean you didn’t tell them? NO, that’s not it at all. I did tell them! I told them as I was walking out and after they had inhaled half of their food. Now I don’t know if these two obnoxious farm animals finished the food. But I made sure that they knew that the nice little server who brought them their tray had added a little extra seasoning! So I ask you guys….. Was I wrong???