New year, New me!!! Isn’t that what people say when they are trying to turn over a new leaf? Get themselves motivated to start that new job. Trying to convince themselves after gorging their bellies from Thanksgiving through the new year that they are going to start consistently going to the gym? Or even making up our minds that we are going to take control of our dating or social circumstance. New Year, New Me!!!!! But what does that really even mean? I once watched Denzel Washington tell some aspiring young artists that “Dreams without goals remain dreams and fuel disappointment…..” Now the context was a little different as he was making a point about not being complacent with your desires but I personally think the message is really applicable for people who want to make strides in improving their dating circumstances. You cannot just WANT something better for yourself. You have to make some personal steps toward whats best for you and take control. Own your situation. Command it to the extent that you can. And a key part of that is not being someones back burner option.
I have a couple of friends who keep in touch with me to talk about relationship stuff. And sometimes as a single guy who hasn’t been to any psychology school or relationship training seminars or even delved into becoming a relationship coach, I sometimes wonder why they think I know anything at all. I have kind of summed it up to me just being someone who will tell my friends the truth about what I see without simply taking a side with them and encouraging them to absolve themselves of any accountability if they have any. Which in most circumstances we always do. But most importantly I want to always be FAIR. Fair to my friends and fair to our friendship. I think that is sort of why they ask me about things……. Of course that could just be some ego driven assessment that I have subconsciously come up with to feed my over inflated ego…. but whatever. Let’s go with it. The point of me talking about these friends is that they often times have an inability to recognize when they are not someones priority and instead just an option that someone is only partially enticed by. And the confusion can be brought on by the most subtle of things. An extra moment of attention during conversation at work. An out of the blue text that comes at the most random of times. And the most emphasis of them all is the Maintenance Call.
People make maintenance calls at least 3 times a week. And they usually come around three pretty obvious times.
- During that stretch of work when someone is bored and unable to reach someone who is more priority on the social list. In the information age as we have cell phones attached to our very soul at all waking hours, people are prone to make entirely too many calls or efforts to communicate with people during the course of the day. Instead of just picking up a book or meditating or going for a walk, people find themselves calling and texting people 24/7. So you have to know that just because someone calls you out of the blue and says, “You just crossed my mind” that is not a reason for you to feel special. If you were really special the calls and texts would be consistent and expected. Not infrequent and sporadic. Maintenance.
- Booty calls that you cannot identify as booty calls….. Pay close attention because I am gonna explain something to you that sort of embodies a guys perspective. When we date it is usually to achieve whatever benefit may come our way. I think it is safe to say that we are not generally as intentional as women in that way. If we see a woman who may want to go out with us we can immediately tell if she is suitable in our minds to be exclusive with. If not we will still go out with her if she expresses some level of interest our way because she may be open to a realtionship of a sexual nature. Or she might be someone who we think is just to positive, supportive or bright of a person to not have in our circle. And sometimes it is good to have a stunna around in case it all breaks down one day and we need options! But as far as what a booty call really is for most guys, it isn’t about calling a random woman and asking her to come over and have sex with you. Believe it or not most men are not that bold. I know that guys make a ton of phone calls to women just to see how the conversation develops. Because he doesn’t really have real expressed agenda but he is willing to just take whatever he can get from the interaction. And often times when someone is looking for more than you than you want from them, you can just sit back and let them drive the interaction.
- Dialogue never consistently leads to any personal interaction. If someone is calling you just to shoot the shit while they are stuck in traffic on the way home from work, and that conversation never leads to a personal encounter…….. I think you have to lower your expectations for what is going on. People will keep you in spaces sometimes because they are comfortable with you there. And because talking to you has become somewhat of a habit or a routine. A way to pass the day when something better is not available. But do not be confused. If this traffic convo does not lead to initiated face to face meetings and some friendly banter that is not initiated by a traffic back up on highway 495, then you are just getting maintenance calls and should either accept your place or stop picking up the phone.
Not picking up the phone seems to be the most difficult thing for people to do. And it reminds me of the things that we do in our teens when we are walking around with blinders of youthful infatuation instead of seeing what is really in front of us. The truth is that YOU are always what is most important. And if you are not first and foremost getting what YOU desire in social interactions then you have to ask what are you even here. Do not be afraid as we start off the new year to make yourself the priority. No one else is obliged to live their life to the benefit of you. And if you are constantly doing maintenance and upkeep on you own happiness and wellness then you are less likely to be susceptible to someone else’s maintenance calls.